Sound Bites

Sound Bites

TV's funniest lines from May 22 to 28. Read the expanded online-only version of our favorite quips, then vote for the best quote

''It's like Regis Philbin...sunny and 84.''
DAVID LETTERMAN, NOTING THE GOOD WEATHER IN NEW YORK, ON LATE SHOW

''You said nothing and that's cowardly!''
ROSIE O'DONNELL, TO ELISABETH HASSELBECK ON THE VIEW'S BLOWOUT OF THE DECADE

''Today in England, a new theme park opened that is devoted to the legendary author Charles Dickens. Experts say the Charles Dickens Theme Park is perfect for the family sick of spending every vacation at Jane Austen World.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

''I want other people to get fatter so I look thinner.''
ROSEANNE BARR, ON E!'S THE DAILY 10

''At least I hope it says 'dance.' I mean, it's in Chinese.''
CONTESTANT JENNA DEJOSIA, DESCRIBING HER CHINESE CHARACTER TATTOO, ON SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE

''I always said there was talent in Seattle, and I was right.''
SIMON COWELL (WHO DISSED THE CITY’S TALENT POOL IN THE PRESEASON), AFTER LISTENING TO SINGERS WHO AUDITIONED THERE PERFORM DURING THE FINALE OF AMERICAN IDOL

''You had the word 'burgled,' one of the few funny words without a k in it.''
JUDGE GARRY MARSHALL, COMPLIMENTING CONTESTANT PHIL ON HIS SCRIPT, ON ON THE LOT

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Originally posted May 25, 2007 Published in issue #938 Jun 08, 2007 Order article reprints