Forever Your Girl?

EPISODE 2

Imagine my colleague Michael Slezak's surprise last Saturday when, moments before leaving for a two-week vacation to Spain, he set his DVR for a series pass of Hey Paula and noticed that Bravo had slipped in a second new episode behind the premiere (which he'd already watched on an advance screener)! Not to fear, TV Watchers — your Regularly Scheduled Slezak will be covering Ms. Abdul's reality show when he returns; in the meantime, please don't hurt his tag-team partner (please?).

The restraint Bravo showed in its promos for Hey Paula is pretty amazing, don'tcha think? The advance clips I saw only showed Paula tripping in the street, baby-talking her bug-eyed pooches, and declaring herself a ''warrior'' as her stylist reinforced a frighteningly rigid updo with more hairspray. How to know, then, that the show's cameras actually followed Abdul through that infamous series of interviews she gave to Fox affiliates while pushing American Idol (especially the one with the Seattle station)?

Back in January, when that video was all over the place, most of us were speculating that Paula had to be under the influence of something. Was it alcohol that was causing her to speak incoherently and lurch in and out of frame? Was it drugs?

According to this episode, it was neither: Paula's just real tired.

But let's back up a bit. We opened with our star at the beginning of a New York trip, running late to receive a ''Fashion Icon Award'' presented by undercover Abdul fanatic/silver fox Tim Gunn. ''I've only arrived in New York hours ago, and I'm already exhausted,'' Paula said in a confessional, setting up the theme for the entire episode. She was also hungry, apparently; in the limo on the way to the ceremony, she learned from her publicist Jeff that the dinner portion of the evening was proceeding without her. So when she finally arrived to deliver her acceptance ''speech,'' Paula already seemed wobbly and slurry. Watching her fumble at the lectern was a supremely awkward moment, which was punctuated by the clinking of silverware in the background and the polite laughter of the audience.

And this is the part, TV Watchers, where I go off on her handlers — Jeff and the band of mysterious men (her security team?) who, instead of taking Paula to her hotel to get some rest and some room service, drove her to Starbucks. For coffee. Now, I'm not so naïve as to think that a celebrity won't try to get what he/she wants (in this case, a chai latte whatever), but I also know that a handler with a strong hand — someone who knows how to say no when something is in the worst interests of a client — also exists. (Remember Tom Cruise before all the couch-jumping? Credit those days to his ex-publicist, Pat Kingsley.)

The next day, Paula's up early to check out test perfumes for her line (really, couldn't this have been canceled/postponed?). ''Mmmmm,'' she murmurs after sniffing each of them, and I feel horrible as she closes her eyes and falls dreamily back on the couch. Won't someone let this woman sleep? Instead, we later see Kylie and Courteney with Paula in the back of a limo, looking vaguely annoyed/amused as their boss squirms like a sleepy toddler and mutters about Dunkin' Donuts. ''Tired...I'm so tired,'' she says, repeatedly. As a man (the driver?) helps Paula get out of the car, he tells her, ''I hope you feel better.'' I'm glad somebody does, fella!

Finally, we're at Day Three of the New York visit, and we see Paula head straight into the Fox junket. Suddenly, Jeff tells us, Paula has the flu (wha?) in addition to having not slept or eaten well. But on she goes anyway, and the infamous incoherence we all saw on YouTube begins. At one point the audio does seem to drop out — could this be the ''technical difficulties'' that, as Jeff later told the media, explained her strange behavior?

It's hard to tell in this episode, which, to me at least, seemed carefully edited. But if you take this episode at face value — that insomnia, hunger, and the flu combined in a perfect storm that led to Ms. Abdul's public humiliation — it's hard not to sympathize with her. We'll relive the fallout next week.

But what do you think? Are you buying the exhaustion excuse? Should Paula fire all her ''people''? And...I'm starting to feel kinda bad about talking so much smack last January — are you? Post your comments below. —Dawnie Walton