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THE FIVE
I wrote a few weeks back about attending the Monsters of Rock show in 1988. Well, apparently it is the column that keeps on giving, because it inspired this week's Five:

The Five Stupidest Things I've Ever Done at a Rock Show

1. Tried to stage dive
I was 14 and at my first punk rock show at D.C.'s legendary 9:30 club. While watching the opening act (named Doggy Style, incidentally), I noticed that a whole bunch of people kept jumping off the stage. Looks cool, I thought, But you know what would look even cooler? If I did it! I climbed up and hopped around for a few seconds, looking at the band in the hopes that they were looking at me. Yes, I was desperately hoping for the approval of a bunch of dudes in hula skirts with slogans like ''Eat me'' written on their chests in neon paint. (Did I mention their name was Doggy Style?) Anyway, I was so intent on watching them that I didn't look down at the crowd as I made my fateful plunge. Big mistake. The audience had parted like the Red Sea, and I smacked the ground with a thud. Maybe this was just some sort of hazing or initiation. I don't really know because I never stage dove again in my life.

2. Made my girlfriend sit 10 rows behind me at a show
This was bad. Back in high school I bought four tickets to see the Cult play. For some reason, two seats were in the third row, and the other two were in row 13. I was dating a girl, but that was starting to go south, and there was another chick I was interested in hooking up with down the line. So I concocted same lame excuse as to why I needed to sit with the new girl up front, and why my current girlfriend had to sit with my buddy back with the losers in row 13. Not surprisingly, I never hooked up with either one ever again.

3. Forgot to bring earplugs to AC/DC
I don't know if it was the cannons that exploded upon each utterance of the word ''rock'' in ''For Those About to Rock (We Salute You),'' or the giant bell that was struck at the beginning of ''Hells Bells,'' but I was deaf for a week after this concert.

4. Camped out for Who tickets I didn't want
A bunch of my buddies from school were camping out for Who tickets for their big reunion tour in '89. I guess I was caught up in the camaraderie of the moment, because I slept out on the sidewalk with them all night and even bought a $50 ticket for a show I had no desire to attend. Luckily, I sold my ticket to a friend a few days later after recovering from the flu I contracted from sleeping outside on cold cement.

5. Stood up at a Public Enemy concert
Back in 1988 (have I dated myself enough yet in this column?), I went to go see Public Enemy. This being Washington, D.C., and this being Public Enemy, I was the only white person in the entire building. That was fine. The embarrassing part happened when Chuck D told the crowd, ''Now I want everyone in the audience on their feet with their fists in the air.'' Naturally, I did as instructed and rose up and began to extend my arm. ''Not any of you white people. You can sit your asses back down.'' Alrighty, then.

READER MAIL
Plenty of thoughts on last week's column about whether one should be able to point out hot men and women on TV, as well as explanations as to what makes Big Brother's Jen so damn annoying. But first, we get things started with another response to my piece on hating rock festivals. Take us away, David...

Trust me on this. Even with the benefit of industrial-strength pharmaceuticals, the experience of sitting in the middle of a field, surrounded by 350,000 unwashed bodies, enduring a two-hour hiatus between Jefferson Starship sans Grace Slick and Genesis sans Peter Gabriel because the headline band refused to play until it was dark enough to use the new lasers 'n' mirrors lighting system in which they had invested several kazillion pounds sterling but which could not be seen by anyone in the gently sloping natural arena except for the hundred-or-so audience members jammed into the area immediately in front of the stage (and did I mention that this took place on June 21st, the day of the year of maximum daylight?), was an event that could quite comfortably be described as the 10th Circle of Hell. —David Taylor

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, David, but I just don't see how that's possible in this case.

Hey Dalton, how can you only ask the ladies about guys noticing TV hotness? My husband has the decency not to comment on beautiful women, but I can't contain myself when I see my boyfriends, George Clooney, Clive Owen, and James Tupper (Men in Trees). And yes, my husband reacts exactly like your wife does. —Marisa Genoa

You know, here's something that didn't go into last week's column that probably should have: I gave my wife a lot of crap for flying off the handle over pretty innocuous comments, but the fact remains — I'm not much better. I still take digs at her for the Hugh Grant obsession that she refuses to cop to, but that's more because she subjected me to it. She made me go see that awful Music & Lyrics film just so she could drool over some clown with an accent. I don't mind her having some harmless crushes, but don't make me waste my time (and money) on her imaginary boyfriends. In other words, ignorance is bliss.

My husband and I have a ''hottie system'' in which both of us are allowed three hottie celebrities to drool over whenever we see them. If we develop new crushes, someone has to be booted from the list. It makes it fun and takes the pressure off...you and Christina should take a page from our book, although since you write for EW (and thus potentially have real access to hottie celebrities) it might be more problematic for you. —Martha Culver

Love your system, Martha. In fact, I'd print my three right here and right now, but I'm guessing there is about a 3 percent chance that Christina may somehow find this article and commence a new round of harassment over my selections. Oh, okay. I'll provide some initials: MB, HB, and JC. At least if she reads this, she'll have to deal with a few maddening hours of decoding. Love ya, honey!

What makes Jen so annoying is the fact that while she is actually a fearless, smart player and not easily influenced by the dumber ones...she can still act so incredibly stupid! She isn't phased by Evil Dick (who I think is great and his edit is not doing him justice) going off on her — in fact she just laughs it off, much to his annoyance. She nominated smartly for Dick and Danielle to be eliminated, but then let her stupid, totally one-sided, bizarre obsession with Nick keep him off the chopping block when Danielle won the POV. Let's not even get started on the stupid attention-seeking T-shirts and the porn unitard which she adapted, as if the original version wasn't bad enough. Even CBS didn't have the balls to show that skanky looking thing. —Diana Dzaja

Let me just say this — I am all about the unitard. The positives I see in Jen are that she does what she wants to do and does not allow herself to be manipulated. The negatives are that instead of making her decisions based on gameplay and strategy, they are more based on getting rid of people who don't hit on her, or, even worse, hit on boys that she likes.

Jen is like so like annoying like. She's all like ''be positive'' and like then like threatens people before the like POV competition. She's all like so self-centered taking down a picture of like her with her like mom because she looks like so not good. She can't like defend herself against Dick, who is really growing on me & can insult someone in an adult fashion but instead like responds all like ''thanks Dick.'' She's like an idiot & needs to go like now. I've hated her from the first moment she like spoke, you know. —Audrey Brosowski

Oh, yeah. Like, totally forgot about that negative as well.

Have any birthday entertainment horror stories to share? Loving or loathing Rock of Love? And any guesses as to the mysterious MB, HB, and JC? Send your questions, comments, and quibbles to theglutton@ew.com, or just fill out the handy-dandy form below. See ya next week!