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'Lost': Fantasy Island

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THE DOCTOR WILL SEE YOU NOW
News, theories, crazy talk — Doc Jensen is in session!

Q: Hey Doc! Back in May, you promised to post a new column in late July. What happened?
A: Oh, you know, the usual the summertime stuff. Family. Vacation. Assorted magazine assignments. Listening to the new Fountains of Wayne album incessantly. (''Well it was Saturday night and I was sitting in my kitchen/looking at some women on the Spanish television...'') Becoming increasingly obsessive about my hometown Seattle Mariners making it into the playoffs. (Stop laughing! It's going to happen!)

Q: Have you been missing Lost the way we've been missing Lost?
A: Honestly? I think I needed more of a break than I realized. In the wake of recapping and decoding 16 straight weeks of Lost, my cult pop CPU was seriously overheated. I felt like flickering Jacob in the jungle ghost house: ''Help me....'' And when it came time to tackle that promised July post, said brain curled into a fetal position and drooled large puddles of puddle puddle on the puddle-warped puddle puddle and WHAT IN THE NAME OF MIKHAIL BAKUNIN DID I JUST WRITE? See, I'm still not right in the head. Or maybe I just need more coffee. Yes, more coffee. Back in two minutes.

Q: On second thought (as we back away from the scary-smelly man in the corner), maybe you try again next month —
A: Nononono! Please, let's do this! See? Coffee! Mmmmm — rejuvenating! Wanna hear a theory?

Q: Uhhh... yes?
A: This one just came to me, right after I typed that sentence about Jacob and ''Help me'' — it reminded me of another famous creepy character famous for saying ''Help me.''

Q: Okay. Who?
A: The Fly! You know, from the 1958 movie The Fly starring Vincent Price, about the scientist who invents the teleportation machine and winds up getting spliced with bug DNA that transforms him into a fly-headed, fly-clawed freak? In the infamous final scene, Price hears a small, squeaky voice saying, ''Help me!'' and finds a fly with a human head trapped in a spider's web. Know what Uncle Vincent does next?

Q: He takes a rock and smashes the squeaky little man-fly abomination before the icky bitsy spider can snack on him — a total mercy killing.
A: Exactly! [Slurrrrrrrrp]

Q: What the hell was that?!
A: That was me sipping my coffee.

Q: Oh. So what does this have to do with Jacob?
A: Well...maybe Jacob was a Dharma scientist who was victimized by his own foolish sci-fi experiments. You know, real ''tampering with the forces of nature'' stuff. It could be teleportation. Maybe even time travel. (More on that later.) Anyway, I'm thinking something backfired on poor Doc Jacob, and as a consequence, he's stuck in his house on the Island, and the one thing he wants more than anything —

Q: — is for someone to come along and kill him, just like Vincent Price in The Fly?
A: Bingo.

Q: So what you're suggesting here is that ''Help me'' was meant be an allusion to The Fly and serve as a clue nodding to Jacob's backstory and current agenda?
A: Sure! Works for me! [Slurrrrrrrp]

NEXT PAGE: What's up with that Dharma Initiative orientation video everyone's talking about?

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