''Remind me to sell this as a reality show.''
ARI (JEREMY PIVEN), AFTER WITNESSING A FISTFIGHT BETWEEN TWIN AGENTS (JASON AND RANDY SKLAR), ONE OF WHOM SLEPT WITH THE OTHER'S WIFE, ON ENTOURAGE
''I honestly never quite believed her original explanation, which was 'A dingo ate my body fat.'''
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON STAR JONES REYNOLDS' REVELATION OF HER GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!
''God is some gangster. That's what I love about Him. He's got it. That's why I'm not trippin'. You can keep your dignity intact and move on.''
JAMEKA, EXPLAINING HOW GOD HAS PREORDAINED WHAT WILL HAPPEN, ON BIG BROTHER 8
''You actually believe I'll be a monkey's uncle! You believe in evolution!''
JOY BEHAR, TO ELISABETH HASSELBECK, ON THE VIEW
''There's just one more thing. I'm gonna need to get my handcuffs and my whip and my leather lingerie back. Also the box of edible panties.''
NYMPHOMANIAC EX-NUN THERESA (SUSAN MISNER), AFTER LOU (JOHN SCURTI) BREAKS UP WITH HER, ON RESCUE ME
''Well, at least she still had a nice rack.''
SCOTT BAIO TO HIMSELF, AFTER GETTING THE COLD SHOULDER FROM AN EX-GIRLFRIEND/PENTHOUSE PET, ON SCOTT BAIO IS 45…AND SINGLE
''But here are the terms of the divorce settlement: Britney gets the house, Kevin gets the cash, and the kids get the car.''
DAVID LETTERMAN ON LATE SHOW