''So, here are the keys to the van. Here's about $13 in change that I liberated from the tampon machine in the ladies room. I want you to have it. Have amazing adventures, Shane. We'll meet again. I'll be older, but I'll still be hot.''
KAT (ZOOEY DESCHANEL), ABANDONING 13-YEAR-OLD SHANE (ALEXANDER GOULD) AT A TRUCK STOP, ON WEEDS
''It turns out that I was about to be a notch on Erin's bedpost. I'm a notcher! I make the notches, not Erin.''
BRET MICHAELS, ABOUT A CONTESTANT, ON ROCK OF LOVE
''Van Halen has announced that they will announce a reunion tour next week with original lead singer David Lee Roth. To save time, they're going to announce the tour and the cancellation of the tour at the same time.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!
''I just found an adorable boy. From London. With an accent. Who's leaving tomorrow. Jackpot!''
LAUREN, OUT CLUBBING, ON THE HILLS
''The New York Times reduced the size of their newspaper; they cut the paper's width by an inch and a half. The move was announced with the headline 'Big Changes at The New York Tim.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''It pains me to say this, but a tip of the hat to The New York Times. This week, America's most venerated journal of treason reduced its paper size from 13 and a half inches to 12. I haven't seen that much liberal shrinkage since John Kerry went windsurfing.''
STEPHEN COLBERT, ON THE COLBERT REPORT