TV Recap

(Dis)Engaging

On the season premiere of ''The Hills,'' Lauren breaks with Heidi over an ugly rumor, then Spencer sort of pops the question

ENGLISH HORNY Lauren was attracted to a Brit because he was leaving
Image credit: Jeff Lipsky
ENGLISH HORNY Lauren was attracted to a Brit because he was leaving

The ''Hills'' season premiere: Love and war

Welcome back to The Hills, party people. I will be your tour guide during this season's fabulous booze-and-drama-filled adventures.

Season 3 definitely started off with a bang, wouldn't you agree? First there was that explosive fight between Heidi and Lauren at the ever-popular club Les Deux. In case you missed it, or want to relive what happened because, well, it was just that good, here you go:

Heidi (after ''rolling up on Lauren''): I was there for you through everything, and now you're mad at me? It's like, oh, c'mon seriously.

Lauren: Do you know why I'm mad at you? You know why I'm mad at you. You know what you did.

H: What? What did I do?

Audrina: Heidi, you're brainwashed.

H: What did I do? What did we do?

L: You guys are sick people. What did you do? What did you do? You started a sick little rumor about me.

H: I didn't start any rumor about you, no.

L: Oh really? You're a sad, pathetic person

Bam! Heidi was left dumbfounded. If you haven't been living under a rock these past few months, then you'll know that this fight broke out over a rumored sex tape that Lauren allegedly filmed with her ex-boyfriend and DUI magnet, Jason Wahler. Lauren seems to think that Heidi and Captain Slimeball, Spencer, started the rumor about the existence of said tape (which eventually got back to Lauren's parents in Laguna Beach). Now, embarrassed and humiliated, Lauren wanted absolutely nothing to do with the couple.

In Heidi's defense, it almost seemed she had no idea what Lauren was so enraged about. She looked confused by Lauren's accusations, and it makes me wonder if she really wasn't involved in the sex-tape gossip; maybe Spencer did it out of his own personal spite toward Lauren and never told Heidi the truth. I definitely wouldn't put it past him.

I'm sure the devil couple's antics are going to be this season's hot topic (well, that and what exactly Spencer puts in his protein drinks), so I've decided to give Heidi and Spencer a collective name (à la Brangelina) to make it easier on all of us. I am officially dubbing the fair-haired duo Speidi (pronounced ''Spidey''). Take note, Perez, this is now an EW trademarked name. (Oops, and thanks to reader Morari for pointing out below that tvgasm came up with this nickname first. I swear I had no idea, and I withdraw my trademark application.)

Along with that aforementioned fight, one of the best and most random parts of the season premiere was when an obviously intoxicated Lauren met a British boy at Les Deux (''I just found an adorable boy from London...with an accent...who's leaving tomorrow. Jackpot!'') and said to Whitney, ''I met a cute guy. Come here. Tell me if you think he's cute 'cause I'm drunk.'' And Whitney, God bless her honest heart, took one good look at the Brit and bluntly replied to Lauren, ''No.'' Lauren apparently didn't take Whitney's response literally, though, because the next morning Audrina had to inform Lauren that she kissed the English chap ''a lot.''

Audrina was busy making out, too, though. With some ''ex-boyfriend'' (or so says the description under his name every time he pops up on screen) named Justin. Or is it Bobby? Or is it Justin Bobby? Or is he just so cool he can't have one name? He reminds me of the type of guy who likes to go to poetry readings at coffee shops. I don't really see him, or his hair, meshing well with Audrina's posse. Especially since he didn't seem too amused when Lo and Lauren were trying to figure out what his real name was.

I laughed when Audrina said to Lauren, ''I wonder if [Justin] has any cute friends for you,'' and Lauren, smirking, responded in the best way she could without saying anything offensive: ''Remember, Audrina, you and I have very different taste.''

Speaking of different taste, over at Casa Speidi, 25 different colors of spray paint somehow exploded all over the place, causing the living room to look more like a Lisa Frank binder than a classy villa. What in Satan's name was Spencer on when he decided to bling out the wall with the word ''Hollywood'' and dollar signs? And how did Heidi remain so calm when she saw what he had done? Quick, someone call HGTV's Takeover My Makeover — these two are going to need it.

Spencer seemed to approach marriage the same way he does home design: with little or no actual thought. He bought a ring for Heidi the way any normal person would pick out an apple. (''Uh, er, this one looks good. Sold!'') For once, his friend Brody had something intelligent to bring to the table: ''You don't have to get married right now, Spencer,'' he told him on the way to the not-so-high-end-looking jewelry store. ''You're 23 years old.''

I'm still replaying Spencer's ''proposal'' in my head. Am I nuts, or did the words ''Will you marry me?'' never actually come out of his mouth? (And did Heidi ever actually say yes?) The whole moment was just so odd. I can't help thinking the couple staged it purely for entertainment value because they had a camera crew following them. (And remember, it somehow showed up all over the gossip blogs the day after it happened.)

It's going to be interesting to see how the rest of this season will play out now that Speidi has been shunned from the group. I'm just hoping this isn't paving the way for more Jen Bunney time. I really don't like her or her last name.

Until next week, I'll leave you guys with a few questions: Is Les Deux going to be this season's Area? Is it humanly possible for Audrina's teeth to be any whiter than they are right now? Do you think Speidi's engagement is real? Were you happy to see Lo again? And, in the previews, were you unhappy to see Jason?

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Originally posted Aug 14, 2007