Don't Watch Bob Saget's New Show!

1. ''If you believe it's a good thing for mankind to violate small woodland creatures, this special isn't for you. Man should not have sex with goats, turtles, starfish, praying mantises, porcupines — which is obvious — and ostriches, and I'm not scared to tell that to my audience at great length, or as long as the laughs will go.''

2. ''If you thought the jokes I did as host of America's Funniest Home Videos were cutting-edge line-crossers, you will dissolve at the end of this special, much like the Germans in Raiders of the Lost Ark. And if you do a shot every time I drop the F-bomb, you'll need to call 911 by the time I pick up the guitar. It does get cleaner — kind of — with a song I wrote called 'My Dog Licked My Balls.'''

3. ''If you enjoyed the brightly lit AFV stage, where I would stand every week while people got hit in the nuts in the worst grainy footage you could barely decipher, you will not enjoy my special, because it's in high-def. Not only can you see me in focus, you can study how I've aged. If there is a tiny bit of a turkey neck that has grown, it's the actual size of the turkey neck on a 50-inch flat screen in high-def. It ain't right what's happened to me physically.''

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