The Glutton

Presenting the Gluttys!

Since the best shows will get no respect at next week's ceremony, Dalton Ross honors them himself. Plus: the top 5 odes to butts, reader mail, and more

Kyle Chandler's Glutty worthy performance in FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
Image credit: Kyle Chandler: Bill Records
Kyle Chandler's Glutty worthy performance in FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS

Forget the Emmys; here are the Gluttys!

It's almost Emmys week, everybody! On Sunday, Sept. 16, television's best will be honored in a gala affair presided over by the 21st century's poster child for democracy in action—Ryan Seacrest. Hold on a second, there's something wrong with that last sentence, and, for once, it has nothing to do with Seacrest. The part that trips me up is the whole ''best'' thing. We love to talk about Oscar snubs, but the fact is that lauded films and performances are usually recognized by that Academy. Not so in TV, where the most inventive and provocative programming is routinely dissed and dismissed. Don't believe me? Consider this: Arguably the four best-reviewed shows of the year — The Wire, Friday Night Lights, Battlestar Galactica, and The Shield — accumulated a meager six nominations... total. To put it in perspective, that means in Emmy voters' minds, their combined excellence is equal to that of Boston Legal, which scored an inexplicable six noms all by itself.

To correct this injustice, I'm presenting the first ever Gluttys, given to the most egregious Emmy snubs of the year — and because the most ridiculous omissions occurred in the dramatic categories, we'll stick with those.

Best Series, Drama
The nominees: Battlestar Galactica, Friday Night Lights, The Shield, The Wire.
And the Glutty goes to... The Wire! It wasn't just the best drama of the year, it was perhaps the best drama of any year. An engrossing look at cops, crime, politics, and education, and how the four intersect in ways you never imagined possible. A sublime achievement apparently deemed less worthy than a good William Shatner zinger.

Best Actor, Drama
The nominees: Kyle Chandler (Friday Night Lights), Eddie Izzard (The Riches), Ian McShane (Deadwood).
And the Glutty goes to…Kyle Chandler! Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose! Except, apparently, when it comes to the Emmys. Chandler's snub is mind-boggling, especially when you consider that Kiefer Sutherland was nominated over him for what could only be described as a shockingly sucky season of 24.

Best Actress, Drama
The nominees: Connie Britton (Friday Night Lights), Annabeth Gish (Brotherhood), Mary McDonnell (Battlestar Galactica).
And the Glutty goes to...Annabeth Gish! As a cheating addict/politician's wife, Gish was last summer's biggest surprise. Well, second biggest, if you include Tuesday Night Book Club making it onto a network schedule.

Best Supporting Actor, Drama
The nominees: Jack Coleman (Heroes), Walton Goggins (The Shield), Gerald McRaney (Deadwood).
And the Glutty goes to…Walton Goggins! In a performance that was naked and raw (both literally and figuratively), Goggins mesmerized as a cop haunted by his murderous past. Don't feel too bad for him, though. Dude already has a freakin' Oscar. (Don't believe me? Look it up!)

Best Supporting Actress, Drama
The nominees: Elizabeth Mitchell (Lost), CCH Pounder (The Shield), Sonja Sohn (The Wire).
And the Glutty goes to…Elizabeth Mitchell! Katherine Heigl over her? I mean, she's decent and all, but...really? As fertility doctor Juliet, Mitchell was savvy, intelligent, complex, multi-dimensional — all the things that Emmy succeeds so well in overlooking. Her finest moment occurred when...wait, I'm sorry. I don't mean to harp on this, but seriously — Katherine Heigl?!?

Congratulations, winners! Your award — a six-pack of Milwaukee's Best, hand delivered by Brian Dunkleman — should be arriving soon. You can use it to drown your sorrows on the 16th while watching your peers shmooze with Seacrest and be told how incredibly awesome they are. Rest assured: You're...uh, awesomer.

NEXT PAGE: Obsession of the Week and The Five

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