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Kelly Taylor: 21/30 Her name's actually Jennie Garth, and I'm just going to pretend her little Disney-princess intro segment, in which she sprayed perfume on herself and flopped back into a billowing pink throne, didn't just happen. Poor Jennie had to perform first. I've never seen anyone — except maybe Ian Ziering — so freaked out. She continued to look scared throughout her cha-cha, maybe because it was set to a horrifying rendition of ''Uptown Girl,'' but she danced it just fine. She even did the splits! I like to think the spangly ''Garth'' patch worn by her partner, newcomer Derek Hough (Julianne's brother), helped in some way.
Marie ''Life Is a Blast'' Osmond: 21/30 Marie happens to be on face-lift 21 out of the 30 she will have in her lifetime, so this was an especially apt score. Honestly, this woman looks so much like So You Think You Can Dance's Mary Murphy that I might have to start calling her that, except maybe people don't want to be reminded of Mary Murphy. So forget it. Marie's fox-trot was nothing outstanding, which the judges artfully attempted to disguise by commenting on things like ''storytelling.'' Again, this is just like figure skating! Maybe there should be separate scores for technical and artistic interpretation. Dramatic pauses combined with anticipatory tears would work perfectly backstage. And Drew could use the extra time to talk about himself!
Josie Maran: 16/30 I have a feeling that just like season 4's Paulina Porizkova, who was also paired with Alec, this lovely and funny swimsuit model will be the first to go. Josie truly has no sense of rhythm — in fact, my first and only note about their fox-trot was ''She should never snap again.'' I hope they stick around anyway, just for the rehearsal banter and hilarious proclamations from Alec like ''Josie is deceptively unfit.'' Um, I'd like to be that deceptively unfit. But then I probably couldn't type at the atrociously impractical angle my sturdy core has my body propped into right this second. Trade-off!
It's extremely unfortunate that the last visual I remember from tonight's show was a teaser of Mark Cuban's face saying, ''I'm comin'. I'm comin' hard.'' I'd better rewatch the pros' opening number again before going to sleep. The men perform tomorrow night. Be there. And get on the horn!
What did you think of the women's performances? Fave new pro: Derek or Mark? And who else had to Google half of the male ''celebrities'' before tonight's show? Post your comments on the message board below, then go to our TV Poll and vote for the Dancing With the Stars contestant you're rooting for (even if you did have to Google him or her first).
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