Jennie Garth: 21/30 See Jennie dance well. See Jennie fall. See Jennie cry! Stop, Jennie! Please stop. Everyone falls. Okay, not everyone, but Heather Mills — she fell! And so can you. I felt pretty horrible after Derek stumbled over Jennie's dress during their quickstep, but it's not the end of the world and the judges didn't even knock her down a few points for the mistake. I hope she relaxes soon. She's totally reminding me of Ian Ziering with the overthinking, worrying, and general sense of terror before each dance. What exactly was in the water fountains at West Beverly High? Liquid dread?
Jane Seymour: 21/30 Jane and Tony one-upped Scary and Maks by taking advantage of the in-house snake while training for their slithering mambo. It was fast, it was twisty, and the 56-year-old woman did one of those seemingly treacherous peek-out-from-under-the-guy's-crotch dips. I can't see the logic in the male judges' criticism of Jane's dance as too ''English'' and not ''raunchy'' enough. (Carrie Ann said ''the elegance worked.'') I thought the pair's final over-the-shoulder head toss — featuring Jane's nothing-if-not-post-coital hair — was plenty sizzling.
Cameron Mathison: 21/30 As mentioned before, Drew especially enjoyed Cameron's hip action during his mambo with a giant orange feather and a naked lady underneath. Edyta's choreography seemed a bit more fun than usual, but DANCMSTR criticized Cam for his lack of musicality and his stiffness. Carrie Ann and Bruno mostly yelled at him for possessing a disproportionate ratio of physical hotness to mambo skills. Really.
Albert Reed: 21/30 Albert dedicated his quickstep to his late grandpa, a former ballroom dancer. Hey, that'll get him a few votes! Or this might. The video message from Grams was very cute, but it was a little eerie how Albert thanked Anna for making it all possible. I doubt she sat down with the woman. He should have just thanked the Internet. After an exuberant, somewhat silly quickstep set to ''99 Luftballoons,'' DANCMSTR labeled Albert the potential ''dark horse of the competition.'' He and Bruno just want Albert to stop hopping around like an astronaut.
Floyd Mayweather: 21/30 Floyd and Karina's quickstep ended with Karina's ass on DANCMSTR's notepad. He was so not thrilled. All three judges commented on his ''most improved'' status from last week, but he still needs to open up his chest and work on posture. When Floyd started smooching Karina backstage and Tom threatened that Mario Lopez was on the phone, I was reminded of how little I would like to see Mario Lopez ever again. Imagine if he had Drew's new gig. [Shudder.]
Mark Cuban: 18/30 Q: What's even more shocking than the use of Nelly's ''Ride Wit Me'' for Mark Cuban's mambo? A: The gazillionaire actually suppressed the urge to mouth the ''Must be the money'' line! He then went on to lip-sync most of the family-friendly song. As Carrie Ann said, his ''face was dancing twice as hard'' as his body. Bruno used his Flowery Simile of the Week on Cuban, comparing him to a bulldog chasing a squirrel. Cuban really does want to stay in the competition, but if I have to listen to sentences beginning with ''The thing about success is...'' for much longer, I may die.
Wayne Newton: 15/30 Wayne's quickstep was a disaster: as soon as he missed his cue to kiss Cheryl's hand, he ended up nuzzling her sleeve-feathers like no human ever should. To his credit, though, no human should ever sport such cozy-looking sleeve-feathers as the ones attached to Cheryl's ''Flight Attendant for Indian Princess Airlines'' costume. Happy Halloween! Oh, and the rest of the cast's performance of the ''We're not worthy'' move from Wayne's World was pretty great. Way to go, producer who told them all to do that.
What do you think? Now that you've seen each couple perform ballroom and Latin, who has the best total package? And who's next in line to go home? Post your comments on the message board below.
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