Faith to Faith

Producer 1: ''Is this Bonanza City or Dullsville? Why aren't these kids doing anything?''

Producer 2: ''Right? I had $20 on them tossing that bossy one off the town council by now. Or throwing a few punches, starting a jail…something. Maybe we should grease the wheels. Make them hold elections.''

Producer: 1: ''Nah. You don't wanna go to that well too soon. Maybe we matchmake a few showmances. Y'know, tell Greg that Morgan's crushing on him. Something like that.''

Producer 2: ''Nobody wants to see these kids swappin' spit. No, I got a better idea: We haven't had the Book bring up religion yet, right? We could totally throw Jesus into the mix, sic 'em on each other…''

Producer 1: ''…and boo-yah! TV gold! Dude, you're a genius! You think they'll go for the bait, though?''

Producer 2: ''I'm tellin' ya. It'll be easy like Sunday morning.''

Or at least that's how I imagine we found ourselves — in an otherwise pointless episode — watching the pioneers splinter into Christian soldiers and the ''Jew Crew.'' After last week's jaw-dropping display of it's-five-o'clock-somewhere, the kids decided to be kids — and be boring. No swirling fake brewskis and dragging each other into the streets this time. So what happened? The Book, that god-awful engine of meddling and manipulation, stepped in to create drama. Damn near everyone rose to the bait — but two rose to the occasion.

Turns out, some of the kids are so religiously intolerant they won't deign to do others the favor of joining them in non-denominational worship. I won't name names. They're too young to fully comprehend the ugliness of their bigotry, and too old not to know at least a little better. But they know who they are. So while Jared recalled incidents of anti-Semitism too painful to recount, other kids decided that ''Christian is better.'' Voices amped up, a middle finger popped up, and an otherwise seemingly innocuous idea like an all-for-one service went by the wayside.

Until, that is, two kids wouldn't let it die. Wee, wise-beyond-his-years Alex tried to get people on the same page by at least taking an interest in their myriad faiths, while Morgan — bless that child — cut through the bull and organized an impromptu praise party. ''It was another great accomplishment for Bonanza,'' she declared, magnanimously. No, Morgan. It was another great accomplishment for you. Gold star well deserved, I say.

NEXT: God or golf?

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