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Television Commentary

Credit Report

The lost art of TV opening sequences -- We grade the credit rolls of ''Bionic Woman,'' ''Back to You,'' ''The Big Bang Theory,'' and ''Kitchen Nightmares''

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By Jessica Shaw

Bionic Woman
Opener
What's going on behind that opaque glass wall? Is Jaime Sommers (Michelle Ryan) a Marcel Marceau fan or just taking a particularly spastic hot shower?
Verdict
It took 29 years to reinvent this series and these are the best opening credits they could come up with? The last shot of our superhuman friend with her hair blowing courtesy of an '80s-era wind machine would make even '70s-era Lindsay Wagner blow a fuse. D

Back to You
Opener
There's nothing edgy or flashy about this newsroom sitcom, starting with the old-school black-and-white images of veteran stars Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton sliding over brightly colored backgrounds.
Verdict
Old-school doesn't mean obsolete. These credits are a smart, jaunty introduction to some of TV's funniest new characters. Plus, its faint recall of Cheers' opener makes you feel a little drunk with comedy memories. B+

Big Bang Theory
Opener
A 19-second lesson in all the major evolutionary moments of the last billion years: You've got your dinosaurs, pyramids, man walking in space...and geeks sitting around eating Chinese food.
Verdict
Short, sweet, and eye-catching, and the Barenaked Ladies' theme song is supercatchy. Thankfully, it won't become the next ''I'll Be There for You'' because you can barely make out the words. A-

Kitchen Nightmares
Opener
Just how bad of an ass is culinary menace Gordon Ramsay? So bad he'll calmly stand in a bull's-eye while an arsenal of cheesy animated knives are hurled at him and surf music blasts in the background.
Verdict
These absurdly bombastic credits wish they were Ginsu-sharp, but instead are about as satisfying as an Olive Garden pasta bar. But at least it's nice to see Ramsay with his mouth closed for a few seconds. C+

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