''During the Democratic debate Tuesday night, Senator Joe Biden criticized Republican candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying that 'there's only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun, a verb, and 9/11.' Giuliani later responded, saying, 'Joe Biden sucks 9/11.''
SETH MEYERS, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
''I have flower problems, catering problems, and Bradford wants something called a Shania Twain to perform at our reception.''
WILHELMINA (VANESSA WILLIAMS), DISCUSSING HER WEDDING-PLANNING WOES, ON UGLY BETTY
''You just folded like an origami swan.''
KITTY (CALISTA FLOCKHART) TO ISAAC (DANNY GLOVER), AFTER HE GIVES IN TO HER MOTHER'S DEMANDS, ON BROTHERS & SISTERS
''I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Dr. Who, although at this point it's more like Dr. Why Bother.''
SHELDON (JIM PARSONS), EXPLAINING HIS TELEVISION PLANS, ON BIG BANG THEORY
''It's this sort of immature, inconsiderate jackassery that makes me feel like I'm living in the Real World house. And not the early years, when they all had jobs and social consciences. I'm talking about Hawaii and after.''
MARSHALL (JASON SEGEL), TO TED (JOSH RADNOR), WHO HE THOUGHT HAD NEGLECTED TO PUT THE LID ON THE PEANUT BUTTER, ON HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
''You can not take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary the bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left.''
MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), AFTER LEARNING THAT STANLEY (LESLIE DAVID BAKER) MIGHT BE CHANGING BRANCHES, ON THE OFFICE
''I know what my Vicodins look like. Do you know what your birth-control pills look like?''
HOUSE (HUGH LAURIE), TO CUDDY (LISA EDELSTEIN), WHO HAD REPLACED HIS PAIN MEDICATION WITH LAXATIVES, ON HOUSE
''Sources in Barack Obama's campaign say that Obama has been watching old tapes of Bill Clinton's debates to improve his style. Which explains why Obama now starts every sentence with 'Honey, I can explain.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''The days are getting shorter and shorter. If this keeps up, they say
five months from now, the world will be completely dark. It's what Al Gore is calling global darkening.''
JIMMY KIMMEL ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE