I fear that anyone who has ever had a Bad Dad found Ronald's scenes excruciating to watch. Especially when he told Christina, ''I let you loose, and you basically disappointed me.'' Wow, I can only imagine the number of horrific childhood flashbacks that must have initiated in many people. Nielsen counts how many viewers the show gets, but can they also count the number of viewers who, four hours later, were found thrashing in bed in a dream state, howling, ''I hate you, Daddy! I just wanted to make you happy!'' Is that a valuable demo for advertisers?
No matter how you slice it, this was a horrible thing for Ronald to say. But I say that with the small caveat that if you listened carefully, you could hear how his audio was quickly snipped after the words ''disappointed me.'' It really sounded like the sentence did not actually end there, so it might have been taken out of context. Granted, I can't imagine just what could have come next that would have made it more positive — especially because it made Christina cry — but there was something there. Who knows, maybe ''You basically disappointed me...because I thought you were going to get me ice cream.'' Still not nice, but not nearly as scarring.
Oh, but then there was the pole-vaulting roadblock, also a Dutch tradition. (Boy, those Amsterdamians really know how to have a good time, what with all the hoisting and vaulting. If someone ever introduces grave digging to the country, it's gonna take off like the Macarena.) I was so filled with anticipation over Donald's teased kersplat that I was taken by surprise by Jennifer's preliminary awesome — awesome! — back flop. It's as if she and Nate existed in this show purely to convince the world that bad behavior will always be punished by fate. First the donkey, and then a tumble right into the muck, and — and — a glob of mud flew in the air and seemed to land in her open mouth. Delightful! Tune in next week when she gets her head stuck in a wasps' nest and then falls into an open manhole. She's like a Disney cartoon villain; just substitute the phrase ''Those darn puppies!'' for ''That frickin' little bitch did it!'' and she's Cruella De Vil.
Kynt also had his trouble on this challenge. (''I'm not one of those down and dirty kind of boys — I'm kind of prissy,'' he said, in the least necessary explanation since the beginning of the show, when Shana said, ''I need to keep my brights on with my hand all the time. Unless I'm just an idiot.'') And others bit it in a delightful way, too, before Donald arrived. Donald was surprisingly quiet through most of this episode, considering the loud-mouthed swearer we were promised in the premiere. And yet he made up for his silence by first falling into the mud and then stripping down to his tighty-blackies for a second muck-up. All I can say is this: Donald, have you been reading my diary? Because you know just what it takes to make me laugh. Jeez, if only he had stood up out of the guck, pulled his own finger, and farted out a mud bubble, I'd have nothing else to live for, because my every joke fantasy would have been fulfilled.
This episode was so rich that I've droned on and on, so I'll just cut to the ending. It broke my heart to see Pat and Kate leave. Because not only did they have a great spirit and sense of humor about the game, but they were the first contestants to say what I've been preaching for years. ''We are religious people,'' said Kate, ''but we have no illusions whether God cares if we win The Amazing Race.'' When I heard this, I thought I was going to cry. Every reality show has some bozo who drones on and on about how God will help him or her win because he or she has faith. (Most recently and egregiously, Big Brother's Amber.) And when I see this, I get all worked up and rant about how pissed I'd be if I found out that God was letting places like Darfur go to crap because he was too busy micromanaging some dumb reality show.
But wait! Here were two reality contestants confirming it! And not just contestants: ministers! Wait...does this mean that God agrees with me? Maybe he sent Pat and Kate to the source of my TV Watch as messengers to let me know that he has heard what I've said and deemed it holy. Wow, God listens to me! As long as he's listening, how about this: Can you get me a raise? After all, I'm a good person....
What do you think? Who's your favorite dysfunctional pair? And are you hoping Ronald will go soon, or do you want him to stick around to see what he'll say next?
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