''The Hills'': Working It Out

Cute was the word of the day on The Hills last night. When the girls were all getting ready to go out to the sports bar to meet their trainer, Jarett, Lauren checked out Whitney's outfit and said, ''Cute, lady!'' As he walked into the bar, Whitney said, ''Jarett's so cute.'' Checking the new couple out, Audrina said, ''They're so cute together.'' And later, when a weary Heidi came home, Spencer surprised her by saying, ''We're going to Las Vegas to get married. I got us the honeymoon suite!'' Er, wait. One of these things is not like the others.

Since last night's episode centered on Speidi's wedding blues, I'll begin by saying that Spencer's desire to get hitched immediately is either completely out-of-touch or just plain immature. It's not like purchasing arcade games, or even a ring, for that matter — you don't just go out and do it. Watching Speidi discussing marriage plans was painful. ''I say we elope to Cabo,'' said Spencer, which would be about the same as the dentist asking me, ''Now can't I just drill a hole through your back molar?'' Ouch. No.

And Heidi's response — basically, guys don't care, I'm a girl, I do what I want — was also astonishingly dysfunctional. True, she seems to have resigned herself to doing all the work for the wedding, wisely noting Spencer's ineptitude concerning these matters, but more important, she acted like she did not want him involved at all. She got defensive about her bridal magazines, then hyper-dramatically slipped off her ring on the coffee table. C'mon, guys. I hate to say this, because I didn't think too highly of the movie, but these two could benefit from the kind of counseling Robin Williams provided in the Mandy Moore comedy License to Wed. My ears perked up when I overheard the pastor at the church say that premarital counseling is required before the ceremony. Could we drop in on these sessions, please? Learn the secrets to a successful union? Now that, MTV, would be truly fascinating, and probably only 25 percent scripted. Sweet.

I'm also starting to feel that Heidi treats Spencer more like a brother or a young child than a boyfriend. Maybe it's because Spencer insists on speaking in this weird, haunting, singsong voice when he's attempting to finagle things. He ends up acting like a puppy that has done something wrong: Waiting for Heidi all day to come home, he prepares something for her (suitcases, honeymoon suite), but after realizing his owner's disapproval, he whimpers off into a dark corner. Only to come back the next morning with his tail between his legs, bearing a gift. Did I really just compare Spencer to a bitch? Yes, I did.

NEXT: Lauren's catty side

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