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Marie Osmond: 46/60 For the first time in weeks, there was a substantial drop-off in scoring between the categories of ''Leaders'' and ''Marie Osmond.'' Color me shocked that the judges bothered to dust off their 7 and 8 paddles for the evening at all, and pleased that after kissing Marie's pink-painted cheeks (both sets!) for so long, they finally delivered her the scores she deserved. That samba she performed with Jonathan for the judges' choice was terrific only in that she did not collapse post-full-body-thrashing like the last time she danced it. The samba itself wasn't painful, but, you know...Same s---, different dress. Happy Bee Season, by the way. The weird thing is, after cultivating an image of pleasantness and good humor over the course of the season, as soon as Marie realized the sucking-up was over, she got all nasty. ''It takes a little more than 10 weeks to get technical!'' she screeched over the judges' comments. And after being dismissed, she inexplicably wailed, ''IIIII waaaant iiiiit!'' as if channeling Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. (''I want a feast. I want a bean feast!'') Tom, this night's and every night's MVP, quickly jumped in: ''Don't have a hissy fit.'' It was almost as awe-inspiring as when Marie complained — after a freestyle so horrifying I dread starting the paragraph about it — ''I'm a doll designer, come on!'' and MVP Tom said, ''I think we all know that.''
Honestly, can we just give Tom the trophy instead? He called it ''splendid'' last week, as if to undersell it just in case he got the chance, or urge, to run away with it himself. Just a thought.
Here goes.
As we all know, Marie is a doll designer, come on! So she and Jonathan decided to perform an entire routine (not dance) as if she were some sort of worn-out rag doll — this perpetually happy-faced sack of dead weight Jonathan had to keep dragging around. Needless to say, getting into character wasn't a stretch. One part of this routine had promise, and I use ''promise'' hesitantly, as in ''I promise your brain won't explode right away if you watch this.'' I liked when Jonathan used the giant key to wind the doll up, because at least then I had a prop to look at instead of Marie. I kept rooting for her to ditch the gimmick and please come to life, but the woman had a vision and she followed it through to the bitter, dead, crumbling-to-her-knees end. The commitment was admirable if not delusional. It was mostly just awful. You know it had to be if nary an Osmond was on his feet.
What do you think? Can Marie make up the scoring deficit with her popular vote? Is Helio the perfect hybrid of Marie's entertainment quality and Mel's technical prowess? And which eliminated star are you most excited to see return for tonight's finale?
DANCMSTR SAYS: For more DWTS, check out our Take 5 video, in which Annie wraps up season 5 by handing out awards like Most Bizarre Song-Dance Pairing and Strangest Motivational Segment. There's no required reading, and she wears a hideous sequined frock. It's kind of a win-win.
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