8. Prince, ''Another Lonely Christmas''
Not only is his girlfriend gone, not only is she dead, but she died...on December 25! (Of pneumonia, or strep — he's not sure.) Of course, this being a Prince song, there's a verse devoted to fondly remembering her naked.
9. Kelly Willis and Bruce Robison, ''Please Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas''
Many artists have covered this country chestnut, from John Denver to the Decemberists, but husband-and-wife team Willis and Robison do the best job of expressing the melancholia of a little boy hoping an alcoholic dad keeps it together. Is it campy? Maybe a little, unless you're an ACA, in which case it may come off as abject realism.
10. Jill Sobule, ''Christmas Is the Saddest Day of the Year''
Some holiday-phobes will hold this truth to be self-evident.
11. William S. Burroughs, ''A Junky's Christmas''
Against a musical backdrop of funky elevator music, the late author recites a short story about one man's vain search for holiday heroin. Spoiler: There's an unexpectedly heartwarming ending even Capra might find corny.
12. Reba McEntire, ''Santa Claus Is Coming Back to Town''
Don't let the title fool you into playing this for the kids: It's about divorce, child custody, and mixed feelings that arise when the ex comes over to open presents.
13. Material Issue, ''Merry Christmas Will Do''
You already ruined his life, missy. Would it be too much to send a frickin' card?
14. Simon and Garfunkel, ''7 O'Clock News/Silent Night''
This little-remembered track pits the duo's version of the traditional carol against an actual '60s newscast, full of reports of Vietnam, serial killers, and other non-merriment. (And to think this hasn't been licensed yet for the annual Starbucks or Pottery Barn Christmas CDs.)
15. Low, ''If You Were Born Today (Song for Baby Jesus)''
Some of the members of this lo-fi rock combo are devoutly religious...which may explain their sincere pessimism about humanity when they open this ode to the Christ child by insisting, ''If you were born today, we'd kill you by age eight.'' Yow!
And here, without further annotation, the remaining 85 of our 100 greatest Christmas downers of all time:
16. Staple Singers, ''Who Took the Merry Out of Christmas?''
17. Buck Owens, ''Blue Christmas Lights''
18. Aimee Mann, ''Calling on Mary''
19. Loretta Lynn, ''Gift of the Blues''
20. Dean Martin, ''The Christmas Blues''
21. Jim Croce, ''It Doesn't Have to Be That Way''
22. Jimmy Witherspoon, ''Oh, How I Hate to See Christmas Come Around''
23. Chris Isaak, ''Christmas on TV''
24. Commander Cody, ''Daddy's Drinking Up Our Christmas''
25. Roberta Flack, ''25th of Last December''
26. Dan Fogelberg, ''Same Auld Lang Syne''
27. The Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl, ''Fairytale of New York''
28. Willie Nelson, ''Pretty Paper''
29. Emerson Lake and Palmer, ''I Believe in Father Christmas''
30. Nat King Cole, ''The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot''
31. Ralph Stanley, ''Please Daddy, Don't Make Us Cry on Christmas Day''
32. Over the Rhine, ''All I Get for Christmas Is Blue''
33. Sarah McLachlan, ''Wintersong''
34. Del McCoury, ''Call Collect on Christmas''
35. Nanci Griffith, ''On Grafton Street''
36. Ernest Tubb, ''I'll Be Walking the Floor This Christmas''
37. The Emotions, ''What Do the Lonely Do at Christmas''
38. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, ''Xmas Time (It Sure Don't Feel Like It)''
39. Woody Guthrie, ''1913 Massacre''
40. Vince Gill, ''It Won't Be the Same This Year''
41. The Long Blondes, ''Christmas is Canceled''
42. Pearl Jam, ''Let Me Sleep (It's Christmas)''
43. George Jones, ''Lonely Christmas Call''
44. Loretta Lynn, ''Christmas Without Daddy''
45. Lyle Lovett, ''Christmas Morning''
46. Bobby Bare, ''Christmas at the Jersey Lily Lounge''
47. Frank Sinatra, ''Whatever Happened to Christmas''
48. Ernest Tubb, ''I'm Trimming My Christmas Tree With Teardrops''
49. Jo Stafford, ''Toyland''
50. Kitty Wells, ''Christmas Ain't Like Christmas Anymore''
51. Aimee Mann & Michael Penn, ''Christmastime''
52. Buck Owens, ''It's Christmas Time for Everyone but Me''
53. Irma Thomas, ''Christmas Without the Creole''
54. Wes Lachot, ''Christmas Is the Only Time (I Think of You)''
55. Johnny Paycheck, ''Mommy for Awhile on Christmas Day''
56. Band Aid, ''Do They Know It's Christmas''
57. Toby Keith, ''Santa, I'm Right Here''
58. Randy Stonehill, ''Christmas at Denny's''
59. Jerry Lee Lewis, ''I Can't Have a Merry Christmas, Mary, Without You''
60. Cracker, ''Merry Christmas Emily''
61. Darlene Love and the E Street Band, ''All Alone on Christmas''
62. Timbuk 3, ''All I Want For Christmas (Is World Peace)''
63. Sun 60, ''Mary Xmess''
64. Billy Bob Thornton, ''My Dreams of Christmas''
65. Saffire and the Uppity Blues Women, ''One Parent Christmas''
66. Tom Waits, ''Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis''
67. They Might Be Giants, ''Santa's Beard''
68. Everclear, ''Hating You for Christmas''
69. Taylor Swift, ''Christmases When You Were Mine''
70. Marvin Gaye, ''I Want to Come Home for Christmas''
71. Mary Gauthier, ''Christmas in Paradise''
72. Mary J. Blige, ''No Happy Holidays''
73. Trick Daddy, ''Ain't No Santa''
74. Aimee Mann, ''I Was Thinking I Could Clean Up for Christmas''
75. Randy Newman, ''Christmas in Capetown''
76. The Be Good Tanyas, ''Rudy''
77. Everything but the Girl, ''25 December''
78. Julia Fordham, ''December 24''
79. The Orioles, ''(It's Gonna Be a) Lonely Christmas''
80. Elvis Costello, ''St. Stephen's Day Murders''
81. Jackson Browne, ''The Rebel Jesus''
82. The Whites, ''Christmas Without Mama''
83. John Prine, ''Christmas in Prison''
84. Franki Valli and the Four Seasons, ''Christmas Tears''
85. The Moonglows, ''Just a Lonely Christmas''
86. Loretta Lynn, ''I Won't Decorate Your Christmas Tree''
87. Bob Wills, ''Empty Chair at the Christmas Table''
88. Billy Idol, ''Yellin' at the Xmas Tree''
89. Kelly Willis & Bruce Robison, ''Shut In at Christmas''
90. Ernest Tubb, ''Christmas Is Just Another Lonely Day''
91. John Prine, ''All the Best''
92. Johnny and Jon, ''Christmas in Vietnam''
93. American Princes, ''The Business of Christmas''
94. Larry Norman, ''Christmas Time''
95. The O'Jays, ''Christmas Just Ain't Christmas Without the One You Love''
96. Paul Kelly, ''How to Make Gravy''
97. Leif Garrett and the Crush Ups, ''Betty Ford for Christmas''
98. Michael Jackson, ''Little Christmas Tree''
99. Low, ''Taking Down the Tree''
100. ABBA, ''Happy New Year''
Which of your favorite Christmas laments or tirades did we miss? Let us know...
