''The Hills'': French Kiss-off

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It was Heidi and Spencer who left things on the most uncertain note. Though I felt their whole confrontation at the apartment was staged, I definitely sensed some very real emotion coursing through their bodies. Spencer, for one, looked terrified. His face shone an unnatural shade of red. Heidi's wide eyes looked even sadder than they have in weeks. How convenient that the two of them have places to go — that Heidi can run home to Colorado, despite the fact that she's supposedly got a serious job at Bolthouse. But why, even after admitting to co-worker Kimberly that she felt as if she were ''in a relationship with a five-year-old,'' would Heidi let things with Spencer drag on? It remains the biggest mystery of our time.

And let it not be forgotten that She-Pratt had this amazing suggestion on hearing her brother's troubles: ''You've got to send her an e-mail or something.'' Um, really? Not that I'm against passive-aggressive e-mails saying what I'm basically too wimpy to say in person, but with the person that you're engaged to, you should have at least enough balls to confront or apologize to them in person. It's fun to imagine the kind of e-mail Spencer would write: ''Dearest Heidi, You are the love of my life. I spell-checked this e-mail twice, just in case the MTV producers might include it in a Best of The Hills edition. Is it easier to forgive me when you don't have to hear my creepy man-child singsong voice? Sweet dreams. I may or may not be here when you wake up. Yours, Furby.''

So, TV Watchers, as we follow these girls to Paris, it's important to discuss crucial questions: Will Lauren and Whitney find it weird that nobody knows who they are? Do the French understand the concept of fake-fakey television? With the frenemies Heidi and Lauren separated, what will substitute for the drama of those run-ins at Hollywood nightclubs? Finally, is this the last of Audrina? Her warbling ''oui'' at the end of her French tutorial with Lauren came out so weak.