TV Rewind

The year on the small screen: Memorable moments and episodes from the tube in 2007

The rumba gang scored a little higher on average than their samba buddies, possibly because they plain old had to move less. This was not the case for Sabrina Bryan, whose rumba with Mark seemed quicker paced than the others — or maybe it was just jam-packed with flair. The dance wasn't as slow and sensual as I'd always gotten the impression from DANCMSTR and the others that rumba should be, but that didn't stop the judges from doling out the high scores, including a 10 from Bruno (28/30). Even if it was more frenetic than expected, this was my favorite dance of Sabrina's so far. It also reminded me of what a highly trained dancer she already is. Sigh. I thought Sabrina's a-- kissing of both DANCMSTR and Mark's mother, Shirley Ballas, (''Does it make you a little uncomfortable, to be sexy with my son?'') was a little much. And did anyone else notice how they edited last week's footage of this couple's paso doble to make it seem they ended with the music instead of way after?

Edyta Sliwinska (26/30) got into the Halloween spirit and dressed only in cobwebs to deliver the sexiest rumba of the night. Oh, Cameron Mathison is the star? Whoops! Just kidding — both dancers were very good here; it was just difficult to keep from marveling at Edyta's uncanny likeness to a particularly graceful strand of cooked spaghetti. What made their segment extra delicious was the sheer ridiculousness of Cameron's good friend Susan Lucci stopping by to give Edyta pointers on how to be sexy. ''Really gorgeous, really something,'' she yapped from the corner of the studio. Really one of the most useless (yet most hilarious) guest spots ever!

Jane Seymour's rumba tied with Cameron's. I'm not sure I'm on board with that, because as lovely and fit as Jane is (this is basically all anyone could talk about tonight), I didn't see much movement to her and Tony's rumba. Some of the transitions were fluid enough, and the woman can extend her legs like a mofo, but the dance's pace was slow to the point of stationary at times, and the pair used about 15 percent of the floor. An impressionistic footprinted painting of this week's dance would look horrible above Jane's mantle, unless she and Tony therapeutically filled in the gaps with bottles of spray tan. I do have to give major props to Jane for slinking it up with a near-Edyta-caliber barely there costume, but I want to see her delve a little deeper into some sort of groove with these Latin dances. The elegant-ballerina gimmick might not hold up for too much longer.

Former front-runner Helio Castroneves bottomed out in the rumba group with a score of 23, and the points off were mostly due to the performance aspect of his dance. Namely, the judges didn't think he had chemistry with Julianne. It's kind of sick that the judges are always like, ''Come on, fool, it's Julianne. Get it together and get aroused! Man up for the 19-year-old girl!'' Regardless, Helio's facial expressions did him in tonight. If you're into things that are awful, go back and just watch his face throughout the performance. It's kind of horrifying. The rumba is all about acting, which he simply cannot do. It's just unfortunate, much like the black spangly mock turtleneck he had to sport this week. As soon as Helio gets another dance he can grin through, he'll probably fare much better.

What do you think? How badly did Marie's collapse freak you out? Who wants to Gmail Mark Cuban for the hell of it? And which stars are in a position to go home tonight?


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