Marie Osmond (52/60) The woman for whom, according to DANCMSTR, ''entertainment runs through [her] veins like Chianti runs through Bruno's,'' led the final six at last night's halftime. She and Jonathan performed a quickstep set to ''Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy'' that — I can't believe I'm about to say this — I wouldn't mind watching over and over again, as long as it cut out before Marie planted a big wet one on Len's chinny chin chin. (Ew!) The pace was manageable, the steps made sense with the music, the attitude was all there — in fact, it was the complete opposite of their second dance, the cha-cha. The judges called that one a little sloppy, way too slow, and not up to snuff content-wise. Jonathan's blinding resemblance to a traffic cone and the mere presence of an enormous feather boa probably didn't help. (Of course, Marie still got three 8s.) Oh and new rule regarding Donny Osmond: This man should no longer be free to move about the aisles. Where is the @#$%! flight attendant?

Cameron Mathison (51/60) His and Edyta's first dance, the quickstep, could have been good if the pair hadn't been so out of sync and if the strange insistence on giant flying leaps wasn't so...existent. Cameron flubbed it during Edyta's back-walkover trick toward the end, and I loved when they finally finished and he mouthed, ''Good job!'' right in her face and she just laughed. Like Marie's more subpar dance of her two, Cam's quickstep got triple 8s. The bizarre song choice deserves a mention: ''Why Can't I Be You'' is exactly how I and I'm sure many others feel about Edyta! That's so meta. (Medyta, even. No.) Speaking of my favorite pro, there comes a point in every season where Edyta decides she needs to wear legwarmers during a performance. This was that time. She and Cameron looked like the two most fashion-forward cheerleaders on the J.V. squad for their second dance, the jive. All three judges praised the vertically blessed soap star for rocking a dance that is better suited to more compact people. At only three points behind the leader, don't count Cameron out yet.

Jane Seymour (50/60) If you'd like to count this one out, though, please go ahead. The judges would clearly prefer Marie in the finals instead of Jane, whom they keep calling ''elegant'' and ''classy,'' to a near-comical effect at this point. I think I'd prefer it too, to be honest. I'm a little sick of Jane's weekly gimmicks, like ''oil painting'' or ''food poisoning'' or ''being lifelong friends with Johnny Cash.'' That last one just seemed like full-on pandering. And am I out of line here, or is performing a rather boring quickstep while impersonating a mahogany-colored tree that got toilet-papered for Halloween six days ago maybe not exactly the greatest tribute one can give an old, dead music-legend friend?

Less than 12 hours remain until, as Tom Bergeron forecasted in the spookiest of tones, ''Another star's dream will be shattered.'' Whose dream will that be? Why, oh why, must it be-uh this-uh way? And could the judges be any more blatant about deliberately leveling the playing field?

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