Sound Bites

Best TV Sound Bites of 2007

Here are the funniest TV lines of the year, as chosen by EW.com voters in our weekly Sound Bites polls

Steve Carell, The Office | DUNDER STRUCK EW.com readers picked more quotes from ''The Office'' than from any other sitcom
Image credit: The Office: Justin Lubin
DUNDER STRUCK EW.com readers picked more quotes from ''The Office'' than from any other sitcom

January

''Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing — Gary Coleman is going to drown.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

''Britney Spears' manager is denying reports that Britney passed out on New Year's Eve and instead says she was exhausted and fell asleep after leading the New Year's Eve countdown. When asked why she was so tired, Britney said, 'Countin' is hard!'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

''Five of us transferred from Stamford. There's two of us left — me and Karen. It's like we're touring Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I'm not falling in a chocolate river.''
ANDY (ED HELMS), ON THE OFFICE

''During an interview with 60 Minutes on Sunday, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq, saying, 'We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude.' Said the Iraqi people, 'We've been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up.'''
AMY POEHLER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

''Things are heating up between John Mayer and Jessica Simpson, with Simpson accompanying Mayer for part of his tour in Florida. Mayer is working on a new song called 'Your Body Is a Wonderland, and Your Brain Is a Wind Tunnel.'''
JOEL McHALE, ON THE SOUP

February

''Former Clinton adviser Dick Morris said, 'Hillary Clinton will be the next president, but she'll be the worst president we've ever seen.' After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Wait a minute, I'm not finished yet.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

''Senator Obama is not the first African American to run for president, but he's the first African American to have a prayer. Which is ironic, since two of the others were reverends.''
STEPHEN COLBERT, ON THE COLBERT REPORT

''I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.''
DWIGHT (RAINN WILSON), WHO THINKS JIM (JOHN KRASINSKI) IS TURNING INTO A VAMPIRE, ON THE OFFICE

''Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.''
JACK (ALEC BALDWIN), TO LIZ (TINA FEY), ON 30 ROCK

March

''She adopted her first child in Cambodia, her second in Ethiopia, gave birth to her third in Namibia, and now from Vietnam. She's working her way down the alphabet. Stay cool, Yemen, she's coming.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, DISCUSSING ANGELINA JOLIE, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

''A sport without black people ain't a sport. That's just a game!... That's like me saying, 'Ooh, I got the highest SAT score in the whole world, but no Asians took the test.' What kind of crap is that? 'I just won the marathon. No Kenyans could run, though!'''
CHRIS ROCK EXPRESSES SKEPTICISM ABOUT BABE RUTH'S ACHIEVEMENTS IN PRE-INTEGRATED BASEBALL, ON THE LATE SHOW

''The California legislature announced that they have moved their state's presidential primary from June to February. When asked why, a California lawmaker said, 'Because it's really fun to hear Governor Schwarzenegger try to say 'February.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN ON LATE NIGHT

''Some Republicans in Washington are looking for a replacement for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales but apparently they need to find an experienced legal mind that President Bush is comfortable with. As a result, the number one candidate is Judge Judy.''
CONAN O'BRIEN ON LATE NIGHT

April

''Disney's making a movie starring a black princess. And we only had to get through a Native American princess, an Arab princess, a Chinese princess, even a half-fish princess. Not to mention the countless cats, dogs, mice, elephants, talking cars, and whatever the hell Stitch was.''
'SENIOR BLACK CORRESPONDENT' LARRY WILMORE, ON THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART

''I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least, it's bisexual.''
MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), AFTER BEING ACCUSED OF WEARING WOMEN'S CLOTHES TO WORK, ON THE OFFICE

''If someone gives you 10,000-to-one [odds] on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.''
KEVIN (BRIAN BAUMGARTNER), ON THE OFFICE

''In an effort to protect the environment, Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using toilet paper should be introduced. In a related story, don't ever shake hands with Sheryl Crow.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

May

''Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.''
THE PETITE-SIZE ANGELA (ANGELA KINSEY), DISCUSSING HER SHOPPING HABITS, ON THE OFFICE

''One of the most popular gifts for high school graduates this year is a gift certificate for plastic surgery. Apparently, the gift certificate is a perfect way to tell a recent graduate that you can be anything you want to be but not with that giant honker.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

''Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.''
DWIGHT (RAINN WILSON), ON THE OFFICE

''It's like Regis Philbin...sunny and 84.''
DAVID LETTERMAN, NOTING THE GOOD WEATHER IN NEW YORK, ON THE LATE SHOW

June

''They got the name 300 by measuring how gay it was on a scale from 1 to 10.''
HOST SARAH SILVERMAN, ON THE MTV MOVIE AWARDS

''Earlier tonight, after serving eight years in jail, assisted-suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian was on Larry King Live. When Kevorkian saw Larry King, he said, 'I swear, he was like that when I got here.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

''Today the Olsen twins turned 21 years old, which means they're now old enough to drink. Still no word on when they'll be old enough to eat.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

''Sixty-eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only 5 percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.''
STEPHEN COLBERT, ON THE COLBERT REPORT

NEXT: More bites!

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