July
''I was busy shoveling coal into my styrofoam factory. Enjoying some roast penguin.''
CRAIG FERGUSON, EXPLAINING WHY HE DIDN'T WATCH THE LIVE EARTH CONCERTS, ON THE LATE LATE SHOW
''This week in Iran, Iranian designers held a fashion show using Iranian models. For the 5,000th year in a row, burkhas are in.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Here's exciting news for New York City: Pope Benedict will be visiting New York City in the spring.... And the good news is he's bringing his wife, Posh Benedict.''
DAVID LETTERMAN ON THE LATE SHOW
''Barry Bonds is only three home runs away from becoming the all-time home-run king, and when it happens, I just hope he doesn't get a big head.''
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON THE LATE SHOW
August
''But here are the terms of the divorce settlement: Britney gets the house, Kevin gets the cash, and the kids get the car.''
DAVID LETTERMAN ON THE LATE SHOW
''It pains me to say this, but a tip of the hat to The New York Times. This week, America's most venerated journal of treason reduced its paper size from 13 and a half inches to 12. I haven't seen that much liberal shrinkage since John Kerry went windsurfing.''
STEPHEN COLBERT, ON THE COLBERT REPORT
''Well, we did it, but if you want my professional opinion, that boy gayer than a handbag full of rainbows.''
U-TURN'S HO, AFTER FORCING SANJAY (MAULIK PANCHOLY), A GAY MAN, TO HAVE SEX, ON WEEDS
''Here's a fascinating story: there's a man in Australia and he spent the last 15 years of his life typing — typing — the numbers 'one' to 'one million.' Fifteen years of his life typing the numbers 'one,' starting out with 'o-n-e,' fifteen years, 'one' to 'one million' — and, guess what, girls? He's single.''
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON THE LATE SHOW
September
''My idea of getting lucky in the men's room is when the motion sensor works on the faucet.''
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON THE LATE SHOW
''You won't be single much longer.''
ELLEN DEGENERES TO GUEST DANIEL RADCLIFFE, AFTER HE DEMONSTRATED SOME TONGUE TRICKS, ON THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW
''Sometimes when we're rolling around in the jungle in the mud and we're hitting each other and stabbing each other and shooting each other and they're pouring on the blood and turning on the sprinklers, I wonder what it would be like to bake up a sheet of cookies on Wisteria Lane. And get one of their checks.''
LOST'S TERRY O'QUINN, DURING HIS ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES AT THE EMMYS
''He taught me how to drive-by.''
NANCY (MARY-LOUISE PARKER), AT THE FUNERAL OF HER FORMER DRUG-DEALING PARTNER U-TURN, ON WEEDS
October
''It's been reported that Britney Spears recently asked a paparazzi photographer to go into a store and buy her a tampon. The photographer said it was a great opportunity to finally give something back to the vagina that's given so much.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''O.J. Simpson is claiming that a Rolex watch he was ordered to turn over to authorities is a fake. However, O.J. did offer to search for the real Rolex.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well, then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.''
ANDY (ED HELMS), ON THE OFFICE
''Former 'N Sync member Lance Bass says that before he announced that he was gay, he thought that Justin Timberlake and one of the other guys in 'N Sync were also gay. When asked why he thought that they were gay, Bass said, 'They were members of 'N Sync.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Dear Lord: Please give me the strength to be nice to somebody who I hate so much I wish you would strike her down with a lightning bolt and fry her into one of those little Mexican cinnamon sticks.''
JOY (JAIME PRESSLY), PRAYING TO BE KIND TO CATALINA (NADINE VELAZQUEZ), ON MY NAME IS EARL
November
''You can not take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary — the bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left.''
MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), AFTER LEARNING THAT STANLEY (LESLIE DAVID BAKER) MIGHT BE CHANGING BRANCHES, ON THE OFFICE
''We are religious people, but we have no illusions that God cares whether or not we win The Amazing Race.''
KATE, ONE HALF OF THE LESBIAN MINISTER COUPLE, ON THE AMAZING RACE
''Be with me, C.C. We'll ignore our differences until the sex goes bad, and then we'll walk away bitter and angry.''
JACK (ALEC BALDWIN), TRYING TO WOO CELESTE (EDIE FALCO), ON 30 ROCK
''Someone will be here to save the master race soon enough.''
DR. BAILEY (CHANDRA WILSON), TO A NEO-NAZI PATIENT REQUESTING A NONBLACK DOCTOR, ON GREY'S ANATOMY
December
''Well, I adore 'em. Except for the few sickos who write lesbian fan fiction about me and Bea Arthur.''
BETTY WHITE, DISCUSSING HER LEGION OF DEDICATED FANS, ON UGLY BETTY
