'Amazing Race': The Italian Stalling

The roadblock involved one teammate saddling up on an ultralight plane and searching the countryside for giant letters telling him or her the next destination. (It was Vinci, birthplace of...well, you can figure it out.) There was a fast-forward option — the only one of the series — but Nate, the first to the task, waved it off. Jen tried to persuade him to do it, because she's insanely focused on finishing first on a leg: She either really wants a free trip or has an unhealthy fetish for Travelocity gnomes.

As often happens with these needle-in-a-haystack challenges, TK found himself at a loss up in the air. With a six-mile radius to cover, it took him three 30-minute tries to find the clue, and he was passed by every team. I'm not sure if anyone in the antidrug lobby was watching this episode, but I wonder if they noticed that showing a hippie lose a reality show while hundreds of feet up in the air makes for a far better visual metaphor for ''don't get high!'' than a fried egg representing ''your brain on drugs'' ever could be.

Nicolas and Donald opted for the fast forward, and they discovered that they needed to get a tattoo. The tat was a double F (representing fast forward), but the Gothic paired letters looked a little too reminiscent of the Nazi SS logo for my taste. I know, it was just an unhappy coincidence, but all it will take is one nearsighted, 'roid-raging Jew on the beach, and Nicolas will realize he made a very bad mistake indeed. Then again, I don't think the descriptor ''nearsighted, 'roid-raging Jew'' exists anywhere in nature, so perhaps he's okay.

There was a detour — either learn a flag routine or build a crane — but it wasn't that interesting, and besides, I've barely mentioned the Goths, and I feel I need to give them their due. When they first left the Dubrovnik pit stop, not only were both of the teammates' faces impeccably lacquered, but Vyxsin had an extra layer of glitter on. It looked like Kynt had loaded a paintball gun with sparkles and fired it at her face point-blank. It was at that moment that I thought, ''This team might just go all the way.'' After all, the average racer who had to get up for a 2:55 a.m. starting gun — and would likely be on the go for the next 24 hours — would have slept until the last possible minute. But no: The Goths must have got up an hour early to put their game face on, all 12 coats. Clearly this was a team intent on winning.

But as the episode went on, we all saw the first chink in their armor. Or smudge in their foundation. Or as they'd put it, Goth in their Gothy. The pressure really started to wear on Vyxsin, and the fact that Kynt couldn't drive a stick shift well — leaving her to do most of the driving — didn't help her mood. But what's interesting about the team is that underneath all the makeup, Vyxsin seems real, with human frailties. But Kynt — I'm not sure what's going on there. His expression never seems to change; he just sits in the back of the car, drawn-on eyebrows never so much as twitching: I wonder if under all that makeup, he's a cyborg. Granted, I'm not sure why someone would build a cyborg and program it to dress in pink and not make it strong enough to carry its own backpack, but hey, who am I to question the motivations of the cyborg industry?

The only time Kynt betrayed any emotion was when a distraught and exhausted Vyxsin got lost and tried to turn the car around. ''Stop this car! Stop this car, Vyxsin! Right now! You're not capable, I'm gonna jump out right now!'' he yelled, in a tone one usually reserves for drivers who are heading for either a cliff or a bank robbery. He then proceeded to take the wheel, break the car, and still be mad at Vyxsin. And the weirdest part was that after hollering at her to shut up and keep running, he made her carry his backpack. It's hubris of the highest order to say to someone, ''Shut up and stop being so weak! Now carry my pack. My arm muscles are atrophied from years of rave light-stick waving.'' I'm waiting for him to jump on her shoulders and ride her around like Master Blaster in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.

Ultimately, they came in last. TK and Rachel miraculously survived a lost clue, a futile ultralight flight, and a flat tire to beat them, but Phil seemed oddly displeased with the mellow hippies when they arrived. Then TK's words were intercut with a very bizarre collection of Phil reaction shots, in which he looked weirdly confused. What was up with Phil? Was his mat partner's jaunty cap throwing him off? The way it sat on the side of the man's head was as surreal as an Escher painting: Perhaps it was giving Phil vertigo.

When the Goths arrived, they were told that there is a new twist to the non-elimination rounds, the ''speed bump'': It's an added task that only they will need to perform next week. It's taken a while, but I think the Amazing Race producers have finally come up with a worthy penalty for a rescued team. Having all their money taken away was pointless, as they'd just beg for a few minutes and be back on the road, and being ''marked for elimination'' was never anywhere near as dramatic as Phil tried to make it seem. I'll reserve judgment until I actually see the speed bump next week, but I hope it's not anticlimactic. You know, kind of like an episode with no elimination.

What do you think? Post your comments below.

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