Taiwan On

So there it is. Nate and Jen are gone. I'm not quite sure what's the point of continuing this season of The Amazing Race: Now we're left with a final battle between a hippie, a guy with a hernia, and a grandpa who looks in ever-increasing need of a Jazzy scooter. It ain't exactly American Gladiators.

I know, I'm giving the final teams short shrift. They all made it to the finale for a reason and have run impressive races. I think I'm overreacting because it's always so disappointing when there's no one to root against in the final stretch. But at least Nate and Jen went out with a bang. As usual, they began the leg declaring that it would be a whole new them. Jen promised they were no longer playing ''Mr. Nice Jen and Nate'' (no longer?), and Nate likened them to the Incredible Hulk! Well, he was right in one sense: I don't like them when they're angry. But while they do metamorphose when they fly into their super-rages, unfortunately they just turn it back on themselves. I don't remember Bruce Banner ever transforming into the Hulk and then stomping home to yell at himself in the mirror. ''Hulk think he look good in purple pants? Well, Hulk smash delusion: Purple pants ugly and go with nothing, least of all green skin!''

The ignominy of their farewell leg began almost immediately, when they were told their destination was Taipei, Taiwan, and both pronounced the city's name ''Ta-pie'' for the entire episode. Oh, and then Nate declared that the only thing they knew about Taiwan was that ''we think Thai food's pretty good.'' In case you missed that this was a stupid comment, the producers scored it to some jaunty dumb-guy music that they keep on hand for moments just like these. I wonder how they accentuate these moments for deaf viewers who can't hear their idiot musical signifier? Perhaps on the closed captioning they just write, ''[Music to imply Nate is a tool.]''

Did I forget to mention that it was Jen's birthday, too? It was like a twist on ''The Gift of the Magi'': All she wanted for a gift was for Nate to have some balls, but he had given up his balls so he wouldn't be tempted to cheat again. It's a birthday miracle, courtesy of Mr. and Mrs. Romance!

And what of the other teams? Nicolas began the leg with an odd battle cry: ''We've been playing the game like bitches so far,'' he said, ''and so has everyone else. No competitors are left. It's a bunch of pansies in this game.'' I was confused: Did he mean this like he was turning over a new macho leaf and would trounce the weaker players, or was he implying that he was thrilled that it was finally going to be an all-pansy showdown? If so, will the winner of this season take on a pair of muscle-atrophied agoraphobes and a husband-wife team of elementary-school arts-and-crafts teachers in Amazing Race: Nonathletic All-Stars?

Christina and Ronald seemed happier than ever, and they engaged in an age-old father-daughter activity: screwing over their competitors. In line for plane tickets, they got their agent to lie to Nate and Jen that all seats to their flight were sold out. Many previous teams have tried to enlist ticket agents to fib, but it's never worked out. Perhaps the phrase ''Who's Your Daddy?'' has much more power in Osaka. Or maybe the agent just got the unmistakable vibe that Nate and Jen deserved to be messed with. Perhaps she's part camel.

TK and Rachel, who started three hours behind, caught up thanks to the late opening of the Umeda Sky Building, home of the Floating Garden. (I will confess that when they first said ''Umeda Sky Building,'' I got it confused with Nakatomi Plaza from the first Die Hard. I dreaded the moment when Jen would say, ''Yippee-ki-yay, motherfricker!'') The hippies' ability to always catch up made Jen crazy. ''I want to rip those dreads right out of his head'' was one choice comment. I think it would be hilarious if, even after the race ended, TK and Rachel kept following Jen around just to make her even crazier. You know, like just popping up two people behind her in the supermarket (''Nate, they're right there, buying Creamsicles! I've been trying to get Creamsicles for weeks! Why me?'') or buying the last ticket to the 8:00 p.m. showing of The Bucket List right before Nate and Jen get to the ticket booth (''Nate, our movie is sold out, and it's those damn hippies again! I hate them with their stupid long hair and stupid Moviefone!''). The hippies are to Jen what Newman was to Seinfeld.

There was a standout moment in the middle of all Jen's complaining. She and Nate were being interviewed, and while Jen was railing about TK and Rachel, I focused on Nate: He had his arm around her but kept shifting his gaze into three different indeterminate directions, while keeping a look of studied blankness on his face. He was clearly so happy that she was yelling about someone else, and utterly intent on keeping it that way by not attracting her attention. The look he was giving was the same exact look you put on your face in school when you didn't want to be called on: not too evasive, but not too eager.

In Taipei, the roadblock was held at a place called Acrobatics Jeep, at which a teammate first rode along as a stunt driver maneuvered a Jeep on a teeter-totter, and then traveled on a Jeep that drove underwater. This place seemed like the Jeep equivalent of Hershey Park and Legoland. It's too bad the teams didn't have more time to take in more of the Jeepy attractions, like Hall of Jeeps, in which animatronic Jeeps through history tell of their adventures, albeit in a series of abrasive honks. And your family won't want to miss Jeep Jamboree, a rootin'-tootin' musical revue all about Jeeps! Technically, yes, it's just more honking, but damned if you won't want to honk along!

I don't really see the point of passive challenges like these. Nobody had to drive the Jeep on the teeter-totter; they just had to sit there in the passenger seat (and, in Ronald's case, say, ''Whoa, whoa, whoa...''). And as a stunt, it wasn't even that impressive, anyway. Sure, it's probably hard to pull off, but visually it wasn't that interesting. I hate to keep coming back to Die Hard, but in the last movie they knocked a helicopter down with a jumping cab. Once you've seen that, watching a Jeep go back and forth on a seesaw fails to captivate you. And 17 seconds underwater in an amphibious Jeep? Did anyone else try holding their breath for that long and realize how unimpressive a feat it was? I've belched for longer than 17 seconds.

NEXT: An incendiary moment

You Might Also Like

• Television News Gay contestants on reality TV | Sean Smith
• Television News ''Amazing Race'' gets 13th season