I will, however, mention Paul Marturano's name in this column, because his original I'm-Paula-Abdul's-stalker ditty disturbed me deeply, and I don't want to keep my feelings inside. If she were a bathtub, I'd caulk her? Side note to Paula: When men say things like that while ogling you like you're the last bit of pizza crust on the plate, you should not grin broadly and giggle. You should go directly to the nearest courthouse and get a restraining order.
I'd also like to take a moment to discuss the turbulence I felt in my heart watching the aforementioned Temptress Browne. First, there was the twinge of sadness hearing how the sweet teenager spends her days helping her morbidly obese, oxygen-mask-wearing mother get dressed, pay the household bills, and basically survive. Then there was a burst of uncontrollable laughter when Temptress declared she was about to sing '' 'I'm Not Goin' Nowhere,' by Jennifer Hudson.'' (I'm snickering again as I type this, imagining a nation of Broadway fans gasping over the butchered song title and wincing at the unknowing insult to poor Jennifer Holliday.) And then there was just a little bit of choked-upedness when that British Grinch's heart grew three sizes watching Paula and Randy go in for the group hug with the sobbing, rejected contestant. Simon can play the meanie all he wants, but when he mercifully cut the audition short, then sweetly escorted Temptress from the room by saying, ''We're gonna talk about those kittens,'' I think I detected the slightest lump in his throat. (Maybe it was a little bile coming up after he realized he'd been caught on camera in an unabashed act of kindness, but either way...)
Which brings me to my second conflicted moment from tonight's episode: How come Alexis Cohen didn't get a ticket to Hollywood? So what if she thinks Bon Jovi sang ''Allentown''? Or that she arrived at her audition reeking of incense and lathered with face glitter? Or that she lives in a cramped studio with her mom and two cats and the world's cutest dog? Or that she was a half plate of crazy? (Name me a rock star who isn't!) Her howling, ferocious rendition of Jefferson Airplane's ''Somebody to Love'' was considerably more impressive than that Taylor Hicks backup singer (whose rendition of ''Unwritten'' didn't leave me bopping or clapping or wanting to go out and buy a bottle of Pantene) or the 17-year-old heartthrob the judges let through. I know I was probably swayed by the source material — a single classic-rock tune can be a wonderful elixir after a two-hour drip of overwrought ballads — but I still felt Alexis deserved better. Well, at least until she started dropping f-bombs, flipping off the camera, and screeching, ''Take it! Take it! Take it! I'm going for actressing!''
And I'm going for another run tomorrow — a run followed by another date with Idol. Yeah, I'm a little sore, but to be honest, I haven't felt this good in months.
What did you think of Idol's season premiere? Are you feeling like the show is on track to regain some of its mojo after a lackluster season 6, or do you need some more convincing before you start getting excited? Which contestant made the best first impression? And about that glitter chick: Would you have let her advance to the next round?
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