Sound Bites

''MRI what's left of her chest and set the machine to scan for irony.''
HOUSE (HUGH LAURIE), AFTER HIS CO-WORKERS TELL HIM ABOUT A PATIENT WITH AN UNKNOWN DISORDER WHO SWEARS SHE HAS NEVER LIED ABOUT HER MEDICAL HISTORY, ON HOUSE

''I never realized how brutal the Super Bowl can be. Guys hobbling around, straining their muscles, taking tons of painkillers — and that was just Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.''
CRAIG FERGUSON ON THE LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG FERGUSON

''You go be insincere for five minutes. Ryan can be a judge.''
SIMON COWELL, ENCOURAGING PAULA ABDUL TO SWITCH JOBS WITH HOST RYAN SEACREST, ON AMERICAN IDOL

''I hate witches. They are always spewing their bodily fluids everywhere; it's creepy. Hell, it's downright unsanitary!''
DEAN (JENSEN ACKLES), DISCOVERING A WITCH, ON SUPERNATURAL

''Giuliani said he will endorse John McCain, whereas Edwards surprised everyone by saying he will endorse Herbal Essences Fruit Fusions volumizing shampoo.''
JIMMY KIMMEL ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!

''Big deal! I got voted Best Abs by Cat Fancy.''
JOEL McHALE, ON RYAN SEACREST'S MAKING VICTORIA'S SECRET'S 2008 ''WHAT IS SEXY?'' LIST, ON THE SOUP

''During the speech, President Bush was optimistic and upbeat about Iraq and the economy — so, apparently, he's drinking again.''
DAVID LETTERMAN, AFTER THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS, ON THE LATE SHOW