Well, actually, she does; the other part of the 'Til Death Do You Part twist is that all the couples — Alex and Amanda, James and Chelsia, Natalie and Matt, Jen and Parker, Joshuah and Neil, Jacob and Sharon, and Ryan and Allison — have to vote, nominate, and slumber together as ''soul mates'' (which is a not-so-clever way to force a little hanky-panky into February sweeps). Now, I imagine you all have loads of questions about this curious new twist, starting with one that involves a little math: If BB9 diligently evicts a couple a week, it could wrap in the first or second week of April. But then I got to thinking; the date of the BB finale is always a bit fuzzy every year, so we never really know when the darn thing's gonna end. This way, BB could either whittle down the couples quickly if the ratings really stink or break the teams up later to stretch the play through May. Ingenious, eh? (You don't have to answer that now.)
Mercifully, we didn't have to wait until next Wednesday to enjoy the season's first eviction at the hands of the self-described ''Brad and Angelina,'' a.k.a. Jen and Parker. On Tuesday, it looked like Adam and the angry cougar had one foot out the door; then, on Wednesday, that idiot Jacob began stirring the pot by claiming that a few HGs were calling Parker a snake. It would have been nice to have a little background on why Jacob made such a move on the likable paparazzo, but I imagine the producers were just as stunned as we were when he starting talking smack. Good thing Parker didn't let the false criticism fester; he channeled the best of that Dick from BB8 by pulling the HGs out of bed to find out who started it. By keeping his expletive-filled anger in check, Parker managed to turn the entire room on Jacob, who then became this week's prime target for eviction.
Too bad Jacob's partner, Sharon, missed a key opportunity to reverse the damage. Instead of blaming that budding bigot Adam, who had already turned heads by referring to the mentally disabled as ''retards,'' Sharon chose to blame Ryan for smearing Parker's name. Once it seemed possible (though unlikely) that Parker would decide to evict Ryan, Jen started choking on her oral doorknob and decided right then (!) to reveal her romantic relationship. Her secret could have stopped right there, but then Jen inexplicably told Ryan, who then inexplicably told his partner, Allison, who quite explicably replied with this very shrewd observation: ''I feel like everything we talk about strategy-wise is going to go back to Jen.'' Ryan and Allison ended up avoiding eviction; Jacob and Sharon hit the road. So great secret-alliance surprise, producers! That's sure working out well.
I rather liked that Newlywed Game-like challenge [thanks for the fix, Anonymous!], though it went on for too bloody long before we found out Amanda and Alex were the next HOHs. Speaking of which, I feel I'm going on too long myself. I'm eager to hear what you think about this ridiculously attractive cast, which my good friend Joe Adalian thinks would look more at home on Fox. I have to agree; this smells like the Eye network's version of Temptation Island. But I'm digging how some of the couples are finding their mojo. In fact, I'm already pulling for Adam and the cougar, if only because I know I won't have to endure a late-night heavy-petting session between those two angry freaks.
So what do you think? Were you frustrated to learn about the secret alliances? Do you like or loathe the team play? Do you think Natalie's got a medical condition that requires constant exposure of her cleavage? And could weepy Jen become this season's Whaamber?
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