''Dominique, you remind me slightly of actress Robin Wright Penn except like a transvestite version of her.''
NEW JUDGE PAULINA PORIZKOVA, CRITIQUING ONE OF THE CONTESTANTS, ON AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
''Best thing about having two parents is that usually one of them wants you to live.''
ADULT CHRIS' VOICE-OVER (CHRIS ROCK), AFTER YOUNG CHRIS ADMITS TO HIS FATHER THAT HE GAMBLED AWAY THE FAMILY BUS FARE, ON EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS
''In a recent interview, Diff'rent Strokes star Gary Coleman says that even though he and his wife have been married since August, they haven't had sex yet. When asked why, he said, 'My wife likes it not-with-Gary-Coleman-style.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''When he grows up, I want to be like me!''
RALPH WIGGUM (NANCY CARTWRIGHT), ADMIRING THE NEW COOL KID IN SCHOOL (TOPHER GRACE), ON THE SIMPSONS
''There is a building in NYC that is keeping loiterers away by using a device that plays annoying, high-pitched screeching sounds. It's called The View.''
CRAIG FERGUSON, ON THE LATE LATE SHOW
''The nation's largest meat recall is quickly becoming its largest food recall as companies destroy any product that contains even the smallest amount of beef. So rest easy, Hot Pockets.''
AMY POEHLER, ON ''WEEKEND UPDATE,'' ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
''She's citing fraud as the reason for the breakup. Which is kind of funny Pamela Anderson is the last person who should be complaining that something is fake.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON PAMELA ANDERSON'S FILING FOR DIVORCE, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
''When you think about it, John McCain looks like the kind of guy who uses the word 'my' a lot. You know, like, 'Well, I get up and I have my coffee, then I read my paper, then I have my oatmeal, and then I take my nap.'''
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON THE LATE SHOW