Home
Jason Taylor and Edyta: 22/30 My God, I could watch that man balance a bottle of water on his head (!?) for the rest of my days. I thought their fox-trot was awesome. I don't know if it's because he's so tall and hot or what, but for once, I was not totally focused on Edyta during a partner dance. That says a lot. Jason's got rhythm, quick feet, and an exorbitant amount of grace for someone that size. The judges want him to ''act the dance'' more, but that performance part should come through as he gets less tentative. I'm guessing (and hoping) that the slightly homophobic rehearsal package about Jason's fear of not seeming macho enough was a one-week phase. I understand why he, his handlers, and the producers thought it might have been necessary, but at this point it's old hat: Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice both went through ''the change'' from skull-crushing jock to jaunty ballroom dancer, and it's just not that big of a deal anymore. After a few minutes of hemming and hawing (that were by nature just as ''feminine'' as ballroom dancing), Jason came through with the kicker: ''Real men ballroom dance.'' Yes! We knew that. Now wear something sparkly! Actually, he doesn't even need to. He's definitely a front-runner.
Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl: 21/30 Cristián was probably the biggest surprise of the night. The tasty Chilean sea bass of a man looks like he'd be a great dancer, and he even promised to ''bring the romance back to dancing.'' (When exactly did it go away?) But despite his solid chemistry with Cheryl, who hasn't looked this happy since the dog days of Drew Lachey, Cristián didn't pull off the cha-cha. He was hunched over throughout and got called on it by all three judges. Bruno's early crush on Cristián had him spouting fun-for-the-whole-family comments like ''You're a sexy guy. She bangs. You have to bang as hard as she does!'' I think he can. If Cristián's attention span allows for it, Cheryl should be able to drill the correct posture into him within a week. Though not technically amazing, their dance was heavy on the cute, partnery stuff, suggesting a comfort level that doesn't usually emerge until later in the season. So they've got that banged out already. If he survives the first elimination, Cristián could go far. I'm with Bruno: ''When somebody has got the instruments you have, you've gotta use them. And we gonna be on top of you until you do so!'' Mmmm. Chilean sea bass.
Steve Guttenberg and Anna: 18/30 I love how the Gute's Three Men and a Baby clip was the one this show chose to highlight from his career. It fits pretty well; the 49-year-old is an enormous softie with a huge outpouring of affection for this show. Like, a spillage-in-aisle-5 type of outpouring. I think I counted seven ''Oh, wow!''s before the judges even started criticizing his technique, musicality, and posture. He can't believe he's here. I can't believe he can't believe it, to be honest. If his Stars-struck attitude doesn't thin out in coming weeks, it could get cloying to viewers. But for now, it's really sweet. The judges praised the theatrical element of Steve and Anna's fox-trot, and that's about it, which basically puts him on par with Hamilton, Springer, Ratzenberger, et al. Which doesn't seem fair because, for one thing, he's not old enough to join that exclusive club. (All the Ritz Chips and Wheat Thins you can eat at every meeting!) I actually thought Steve's dance was competent enough. His airborne heel click jostled me awake just as I was dozing off, which was important because otherwise I wouldn't have noticed how much Anna's floor-length golden gown reminded me of Belle's from the ballroom scene of Beauty and the Beast. And then how would I have written this column?
Penn Jillette and Kym: 16/30 It doesn't get more Dancing With the Stars than a bright red prop feather boa in the first dance of the season. Although Penn's cha-cha contained a disturbing amount of very determined crotch thrusts, it was oddly endearing. He was lighter on his feet than I expected, dove through Kym's legs like ''magic,'' and really got into character with some well-timed disco points towards heaven. But let's be serious: He's not a great dancer. Bruno compared the performance to the nonexistent movie trailer for Shrek Goes Cha-cha-cha and cheekily suggested Penn was ''entertaining, on the plus side,'' before Penn aggressively jumped in with something lame about how Bruno couldn't learn a card trick in just four weeks. He really needs to stop interrupting the people who are supposed to speak on the show — and yes, that even includes Samantha. Despite that, Penn is clearly having a ball. And he had a good rapport with Kym, telling her comforting things like ''If there were a volcano and we were preserved, archaeologists in the future would assume you were my dinner.'' Not to mention he really wants to be there: The guy lost like 300 pounds after finding out he'd be a contestant, which is a hell of a lot more effort than merely being Jimmy Kimmel's friend. Speaking of whom...
NEXT: The man no-show
