''The Hills'': Forget Paris

It also seems a little suspicious how fast the girls got ready for the big night. Whitney told the store manager that they only had an hour until they had to be at the ball, and in that time they somehow got Lauren a new dress, did their makeup, got their hair done, and ended up looking gorgeous. Apparently an hour in Paris is equivalent to five in L.A.

Kimball Hastings, Teen Vogue's resident fashion guru and boss to Lauren and Whitney while in Paris, was none the wiser about Lauren's dress switcheroo, but he did catch on to Whitney's lack of enthusiasm for the tasks she'd been given during the trip. ''I didn't feel like at the shoot when you were taking down all the notes, it just didn't seem quite natural to me,'' he told her before asking where she sees herself career-wise. ''I sort of see myself in styling,'' she replied, and he said pointedly, ''Then maybe you should do that.'' I will give Kimball credit for being a tad more animated and approachable than our dear Lisa Love, but wow, way to be blunt to an employee. He might as well have said, ''Yeah, we're just over this whole MTV thing, and we're basically just over you. So go pursue something else when you get back. Thanks.''

The big Crillon Ball culminated in Lauren leaving to take a ride on Matthias' Vespa so he could ''show her the city'' before she went home. Mind you, she was still wearing her (second) gown when she decided to go on this excursion. Who wants to take bets that Alberta Ferretti will never again supply Teen Vogue with loaners after this? I was half expecting Lauren's midnight tour of Paris to end in a hot and heavy make-out session with her French lover (''Oh, Lurgh-enn, my darling, you are exquisite,'' he would cry out. ''Run away with me — all we need to keep us alive is our love''), but alas it did not, and it's back to the States we go.

We'll have to wait until next week to see what goes down with Lauren's on-again, off-again beau Brody now that, according to Audrina, he has a girlfriend. So let me get this straight: Lauren was only away for a week, and in that time, Brody went and got himself a significant other. What is up with that? Relationships don't just happen overnight. (Okay, well, in high school they might.) Looking back, Lauren's other ex, Jason, got a fiancée within months of knowing the girl, and now Brody gets a girlfriend within days. It's like Lauren's the Good Luck Chuck of the reality-TV world or something.

As much as I am tired of the Brody nonsense (especially because we all read about his hookups on gossip blogs practically every day), I do appreciate the conversations it stirs up between Whitney and Lauren. When Whitney told her, ''I'm sure that Paris is full of guys that are cooler than Brody,'' I laughed only because I'm sure that pretty much everywhere in the world is full of guys that are cooler than Brody. I also found the short French lesson Lauren gave Whitney in their hotel room to be hilarious. ''I need to go find a rebonder,'' Lauren said while perusing a translation book. ''A real man?'' asked Whitney. ''No!'' said Lauren. ''A rebound.''

Speaking of people who need to find a real man, Heidi continued to pretend to be in a fight with Spencer agonize over Spencer. (Oh, and in case you didn't catch the 50 times MTV put up titles on the bottom of the screen to say where we were, she was in Crested Butte, Colo., with her family.) Heidi's mom, Darlene, offered her some good advice, ''I would love to see you starting fresh and just working on yourself for a little while.'' Thank you, Darlene. We would all love that, too, but that's not the way the Abominable Snowman, er, Spencer, is going to let this thing play out. So in typical Spencer fashion, he showed up in Crested Butte to try to reconcile with Heidi, and (yada yada yada) the pair continued to go aimlessly back and forth about their relationship. Honestly, I can't even remember what they were fighting about when they supposedly broke up. What I do know is that according to the gossip columns, they are still together today, so it's hard to get involved in this ''struggling couple'' story line. Can they take up hobbies or something? Heidi can learn to tap dance, and Spencer can learn how to make model airplanes — anything so we don't have to witness any more awkwardly fake tiffs between them.

All right, mes amis, it's time for me to say au revoir, but before I go, I wanted to pick your brain: What'd you think of the Paris trip overall? Will we ever see Matthias again? Were you surprised to see how up-front Whitney was about wanting to quit Teen Vogue? Are you completely over Spencer and Heidi? Was it just me, or did Heidi's lips get more plump as the episode went on? Finally, what was with the dramatic music dubbed over the ''this season on The Hills'' scenes at the end of the episode ? (Last time I checked, this wasn't CSI!)

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