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Adam Carolla and Julianne: 19/30; 34 total After Adam delivered an ill-conceived ''excuse'' for why he called her a bitch last week (something lame about a publicist named Mitch), Carrie Ann offered what was probably the fairest assessment of Adam's dance: ''That wasn't quite a mambo — I'm not sure what it was — but it was green, it was cute, and you gave it your best.'' Adam actually did. His aggressive-for-no-reason attitude was grating last week, but this week I loved his telling Julianne, ''I'm a 75-percenter that's giving you 95 percent,'' and his inclination to even attempt a backward somersault. Where Penn Jillette has ramped up the backtalk and taunting to a nauseating degree, Adam has dialed his back. It's working for him. He can't dance, but he can stay. Although, really, DANCMSTR? You scored Adam's mambo higher than Cristián's quickstep? Are you nuts?
Steve Guttenberg and Anna: 16/30; 34 total Sad but true: The Gute simply has no sense of rhythm. Not even Anna TreBUNskaya's unnecessarily subtitled mother could teach him about the beat. Steve and Anna's rainbow-sherbet mambo left the judges struggling for nice things to say, like Bruno's non-compliment ''All the energy went into the facial expressions, so the body died.'' DANCMSTR had to resort to a metaphor involving spotted dick, which sounds like a mild STD but is in fact a British steamed pudding. Don't you love it when DANCMSTR feigns cluelessness? I also loved how Anna schooled Carrie Ann, when C.A. said Steve's second dance wasn't his ''best.'' There's no best in a pair. Leave it to the feisty Russian to correct someone's English.
Penn Jillette and Kym: 17/30; 33 total It's only week 2, and already Penn has become abrasive. His quickstep, filled with atrocious footwork and props, was barely worth discussing. All I can remember is the strained look on Penn's face as DANCMSTR began his critique — it wasn't a look of ''What can I learn from this guy?'' or even ''Does it look like I'm listening?'' No, the look was pure, attention-starved ''At which point should I butt in with a joke?'' He definitely doesn't understand that for the majority of viewers, that answer is ''Never.'' If Penn stays through to next week, he must tone it down! On the way backstage, Penn tripped on the stairs, intentionally. Tom backed him up with his ''a little Rob Petrie action'' comment, but it's also possible the stairs were simply too narrow for Penn's mammoth feet. Final words, Penn? ''Dance badly. Don't learn to dance well.'' Beautiful.
Monica Seles and Jonathan: 15/30; 30 total The tennis star's interview packages have made her come off extremely well — she's sweet and self-deprecating (but in a frank, not compliment-starved, way), and she's not giving up even though she realizes at this early point that she has very little dancing ability. Monica's such a great sport, especially having endured that horrid lesson Jonathan gave her on how to emote. Watching someone fake facial expressions on the dance floor is bad enough; Monica's demo was like the rough draft of a poorly written persuasive paragraph. Like the timeless En Vogue song to which she danced her mambo, she's ''Never Gonna Get It.'' But I love her anyway.
What do you think? Is it too late for Tom Bergeron to run for president? Are the judges' front-runners your favorites? And which two contestants are going home?
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