'Big Brother': Block Head

The eviction and HOH competition I hardly found Chelsia's abrupt decision to attack the Easter eggs to be an act of ''cruelty,'' as Sheila would have us believe, but her 11th-hour meltdown was definitely one for the BB history books. Though contestants should never be so stupid as to offer themselves up as a replacement nominee, Sharon apparently foresaw that Chelsia would self-destruct — and girlfriend didn't disappoint. Her exit speech was a downright knee-slapper, especially that little declaration that she never, ever ''breast-fed'' off of any other HG in an attempt to save her butt (I guess licking whipped cream off of Natty's boobs during that infamous orgy didn't really count) and that she ''still had her dignity'' upon walking out the door (uh, see previous comment). I made sure to type out her genius parting words just so I wouldn't forget them: ''You guys can all stay. I just wanted to give you all some insight. Adam, get a backbone in this game, you're playing like a baby! Sheila, you've been rode hard! You will be put away wet! Natalie, educate yourself, you need one honey. You're in dire need of one! Joshuah, you're crazy! I love you baby. [Whisper whisper whisper to Joshuah; whisper whisper whisper to James.] Ugh! Blow this house up, folks! Blow this house up!'' Cringe-worthy, indeed, but at least it gave Julie something substantial to talk about on the couch. Her line of questioning was spot-on, and it definitely satisfied my need to know why James helped to evict Chelsia by a unanimous vote: Chelsia gave him permission. So there you go, folks. Ain't love grand?

Since I definitely favor James over Ryan and Sharon over Natalie, I would have preferred to see Team Pink Hair win the HOH competition rather than Baller's Babies — but alas, it wasn't meant to be. Natalie's the next person to occupy the second-story bedroom, which means we'll have to muddle through another excruciating segment featuring pathetic pictures from home — almost as mind-numbing as watching the houseguests watch a friggin' movie. Gawd, I loathe product placement.

Now back to my neglect of ShoToo. Maybe it's the time of year, but I haven't been the least bit interested in hearing what idiotic things Natalie has been saying after hours. It could just be that I'm simply not wired to fully engage with BB in the spring; this has always been a summer show, folks, and there are far more important thoughts occupying my mind right now — like whether Jin is really dead, as those flash-forwards would have us believe, and whether Ozzy's fellow teammates will finally get wise and vote off his alpha ass. Course there could also be another explanation for my partial apathy. If the Donatos didn't do serious damage to the Big Brother franchise, then this season's band of idiots and their waterlogged bacchanal certainly did. What I can't decide is whether BB can recover from featuring so many bad seeds. Survivor certainly lived to tell the tale after the dreadful Thailand edition, and we've already forgotten the painful family edition of The Amazing Race — but both of those shows have enviable (and Emmy-nominated) production values to fall back on. There ain't nothing fancy about Big Brother: It's a house with a bunch of a cameras, and it's hard-pressed to earn so much as a Razzie.

So I ask you, dear fans: Where do you stand today? Will you dutifully return in July after watching these buffoons? Are you such a true fan that you'd be willing to do what that Dick has done and tattoo ''Big Brother'' on your shoulder? And do you really think Natalie's family ''would have absolutely nothing to do with'' her if she crushed Easter eggs but would be fine seeing her, say, performing oral sex under the covers on national TV?

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