I went to Catholic school, and while it wasn't said specifically, I'm 98 percent sure that leading a blind man into walls, chairs, and oven doors will land you in purgatory. If you serve a blind man dirty-dishwater stew, well, it's like buying an express ticket to the fiery depths of hell. It's the kind of thing that you can't sweet-talk your way out of with some blueberry scones. (Though Bree might beg to differ.) Gaby was pulling out all the stops last night — literally, she was pulling out objects for Carlos to trip over. She found out that Carlos was lying about the severity of his condition, thanks to Edie, who would have scratched Carlos' eyes out for giving her a fake diamond bracelet, had he not already been blind. The doctors said that Carlos' sight might never return. Yeah, the writers said the same thing a few months ago. And here we are. Hopefully those beige eye bandages won't make another appearance. It looked like Carlos' forehead melted over his eye sockets. Poor Carlos; he lied because he feared Gaby would leave him. ''You really think I'm that shallow?'' Gaby asked. What you heard next was the sound of 18 million viewers crying in union ''Um, YES?!'' Gaby's probably never heard ''let he who is without sin cast the first stone,'' because she proceeded to pelt her handicapped husband with apples and oranges. Somewhere, probably where Gaby is headed when she dies, Victor was laughing at Carlos and muttering, ''Sucker.''
Mary Alice must have thought we were all suckers if she wanted us to actually believe that ''Katherine Mayfair was not the kind of woman who liked to relive the past.'' Wrong, Mary Alice. Let's consider the evidence. Katherine moved back to her old neighborhood, into her old house, near the site where she buried her old husband, and she's sleeping with her old lovah Timmy. Katherine Mayfair loves living in the past. Visiting it in the woods. Sleeping with it. Rarely does a day go by on Wisteria Lane when the past doesn't surface. Skeletons take up more closet space than shoes. Bodies are discovered like loose change. The unseemly past isn't just relived, it's paraded for all to see. There wasn't a clear shot of Katherine's dearly departed husband, but we were given a brief but telling montage of their dysfunctional relationship. He was quite a charmer when he wasn't smacking her across the face. One of the writers must not be a Dana Delaney fan. She got not one but two shots to the kisser. Timmy McPlotDevice was good for one thing, filling in some Mayfair mystery blanks. It was Katherine! In the study! With the candlestick! Tell 'em what they've won, Timmy! ''She took my virginity.'' Hmm. Gives a whole new meaning to ''putting the past to bed,'' doesn't it?
The only one who seemed genuinely interested in putting the past behind him was Adam, whose final act as Katherine's husband was to conceal her lie. Despite all damning evidence to the contrary, Dylan bought it when he told her Katherine was innocent. If only Dylan was a little smarter, or asked the right questions. If only she told someone other than Julie about the note. If only Julie had done more than just stare at Dylan, wondering, ''What does this have to do with me? Why haven't you said anything about how fabulous my hair looks?''
So, Desperate fans, is it too soon for Mike to be making jokes about drugs, since he's still in rehab? Will Orson save Benjamin from the cursed Van De Kamp DNA? Will Lynette's spiritual quest last 40 minutes, or will it continue for the next four Sundays? Who do you think wins the title of holiest housewife?
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