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The Seinfeld Chronicles

An obsessive-compulsive viewer's guide to every episode

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By Michael Flaherty, Mary Kaye Schilling

EPISODE 18

THE NOTE

FIRST AIRED 9/18/91 WRITER David DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS Visits to massage therapists by Jerry, Elaine, and George lead to (1) Jerry being suspected of child abuse, (2) his dentist being investigated for insurance fraud, and (3) George questioning his heterosexuality (''I think it moved''). HISTORIC MOMENT We learn that shy-bladdered George is a ''stall man.'' CRITIQUE Besides laughs galore, it's the first truly democratic episode: Even Kramer finally gets a slam ''dunk'' of a subplot (Joe DiMaggio at Dinky Donuts). A-

EPISODE 19

THE TRUTH

FIRST AIRED 9/25/91 WRITER Elaine Pope DIR. David Steinberg SYNOPSIS ''I've driven women to lesbianism before, but never to a mental institution,'' says George, whose atypical, brutally honest breakup with flaky accountant Patrice (Valerie Mahaffey) provokes a meltdown that lands her in the ''nervous'' hospital. The real crisis, however, is that she's got Jerry's tax records and he's being audited. CRITIQUE A killer George, but not much for anyone else besides Mahaffey, who has fun with her imploding New York City trendoid. B-

EPISODE 20

THE PEN

FIRST AIRED 10/2/91 WRITER David DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS Elaine accompanies Jerry to the Sunshine State, where his dad is being feted by the condo association. When Jerry accepts an ''astronaut pen'' (it writes upside down!) from neighbor Jack Klompus, it triggers a retirement-community scandal. Elaine, meanwhile, is hobbled by the Seinfelds' pull-out couch. INTRODUCES Sandy Baron as crusty troublemaker Jack. CRITIQUE Oddly, George and Kramer are not missed in this stellar (Stellar!) outing. The only thing funnier than Elaine's exquisite distress is Jerry's absurd reassurances. When she's dreading the three-day visit after one night, he rationalizes, ''Subtract showers and meals — it's like 20 minutes!'' A+

EPISODE 21

THE DOG

FIRST AIRED 10/9/91 WRITER David DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS On a plane trip, Jerry's drunken seatmate takes ill, saddling Jerry with custody of his mutt, Farfel. The unwanted guest makes him a prisoner in his own house. HISTORIC MOMENT We learn that Jerry gargles (very quietly) six times a day. CRITIQUE A contrived plot finds some redemption in ''friends-in-law'' George and Elaine, who, forced to bond without Jerry, discover he's all they have in common. C+

EPISODE 22

THE LIBRARY

FIRST AIRED 10/16/91 WRITER Charles DIR. Joshua White SYNOPSIS Jerry is slapped with a 20-year overdue notice for Tropic of Cancer. The ensuing investigation sparks a traumatic ''memory burn'' for George: His sadistic high school gym teacher, Mr. Heyman (Biff Yeager) — he of the ''little baked bean'' teeth and atomic wedgies — is now a vagrant who calls the library steps home. CRITIQUE A sure candidate for the pantheon, thanks in large part to Philip Baker Hall's hard-boiled library gumshoe, Lt. Bookman (!), and his rapid-fire, Dragnet-esque exchanges with Jerry. Also legendary: Heyman's malapropism for George's surname: ''Can'tstandya.'' A+

EPISODE 23

THE PARKING GARAGE

FIRST AIRED 10/30/91 WRITER David DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS Scenes from a mall, as the foursome search for Kramer's car in a parking garage while schlepping the world's cheapest air conditioner. HISTORIC MOMENT Jerry and George are apprehended while relieving themselves against a wall. CRITIQUE In a companion piece to "Chinese Restaurant," the friends find themselves trapped "like rats in some experiment," allowing for plenty of what they do best: pseudo-existential rambling. That said, the (admittedly intentional) claustrophobia is ultimately exasperating. B-

EPISODE 24

THE CAFE

FIRST AIRED 11/6/91 WRITER Tom Leopold DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS Jerry decides to help struggling restaurateur Babu Bhatt drum up business. Elaine assists George in an IQ-test caper. Introduces Brian George as the too-trusting (at first) Babu, who will receive more "help" from Jerry down the line. HISTORIC MOMENTDebut of the never-used bicycle, which hangs next to Jerry's bathroom. CRITIQUE Great unsettling fun to watch Babu sour on self-satisfied Jerry ("You bad man, Jerry. You very, very bad man!"). One gripe: Kramer's tiresome side plot — involving a lucky jacket he's determined to keep from its rightful owner — begins here and drags on for weeks. B

EPISODE 25

THE TAPE

FIRST AIRED 11/13/91 WRITERS David/Bob Shaw/Don McEnery DIR. Steinberg SYNOPSIS While attending one of Jerry's stand-up gigs, Elaine anonymously talks dirty into his tape recorder; after learning that it's her, George (and eventually the others) see Ms. Benes in a whole new light. At the same time, George experiments with an exotic Chinese balding cure. INTRODUCES Ping Wu as delivery guy Ping, Elaine's future nemesis. CRITIQUEAlmost a tacit reminder to us — and a masterfully besotted George — that the usually sexless Elaine really isn't just one of the boys. B-

EPISODE 26

THE NOSE JOB

FIRST AIRED 11/20/91 WRITER Mehlman DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS A guilt-ridden George considers breaking up with Audrey (Susan Diol) because she has a big nose. Jerry deals with superficiality issues of his own in his fling with a bimboid "actress" (Tawny Kitaen). HISTORIC MOMENTS The Kitaen elevator encounter provides Jerry's best come-on: "You know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England." We learn Kramer's mom is named Babs, and she's "a drunken stumblebum." — A wonderfully surreal set piece in which Jerry's penis and brain battle for supremacy via a chess game — elevates this to just okay. C

EPISODE 27

THE STRANDED

FIRST AIRED 11/27/91 WRITERS David/Seinfeld/Matt Goldman DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS George drags Jerry and Elaine to a party in the suburbs (hosted by The Commish's Michael Chiklis), then leaves them hanging when a smitten coworker offers sex. HISTORIC MOMENT Elaine's heated anti-fur rantings point out her character's scattershot sociopolitical consciousness, which seems to be more about getting in people's faces than explaining a heartfelt belief. CRITIQUE Perfectly captures the agony of attending a party where everyone is breathtakingly boring (Elaine's reply to one inane guest — "Maybe the dingo ate your baby" — is a nonsensical beaut). Too bad the entire half hour didn't gorge on that feast of comic possibilities, to the exclusion of the lesser George (shoplifting) and Chiklis (soliciting) subplots. B-

EPISODE 28

THE ALTERNATE SIDE

FIRST AIRED 12/4/91 WRITERS David/Bill Masters DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS Jerry's car is stolen. George takes over for vacationing Sid (Jay Brooks), the car parker on Jerry's block, and wreaks havoc on traffic. Elaine's "vibrant" 66-year-old boyfriend Owen (Edward Penn) strokes out minutes before she can break up with him. Kramer gets one line in a Woody Allen movie ("These pretzels are making me thirsty"). CRITIQUE Jerry is uncharacteristically confrontational in this busy plot, with sidesplitting results. Note especially his wiseass "reservation" wrangling at the car-rental counter. B

EPISODE 29

THE RED DOT

FIRST AIRED 12/11/91 WRITER David DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS Elaine's recovering alcoholic beau (David Naughton), a damaged cashmere sweater, a brief job at Pendant Publishing for George, and desktop sex with a cleaning woman keep this holiday episode crackling. INTRODUCES Richard Fancy as Mr. Lippman, Elaine's boss at Pendant (played by Harris Shore in episode 22). CRITIQUE Literally laugh-a-minute (right down to Kramer's ersatz Hennigans commercial). Also nicely illustrative of the lying, cheating, and backstabbing that are part and parcel of these friendships. A-

EPISODE 30

THE SUBWAY

FIRST AIRED 1/8/92 WRITER Charles DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS The first plot to proceed on four different tracks, literally, as Jerry (retrieving his recovered car), Elaine (on her way to a lesbian wedding), George (en route to a job interview), and Kramer (bound for driving-violations court) have disparate subway experiences. HISTORIC MOMENT Jerry first refers to George as Death of a Salesman's Biff — "the biggest loser in the history of American literature." CRITIQUE Elaine's stalled-train freak-out is a lonely highlight. Lest anyone doubt this is an ensemble at work, witness the loss of comic sizzle when the foursome separate. C+

EPISODE 31

THE PEZ DISPENSER

FIRST AIRED 1/15/92 Writer David DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS In order to obtain "hand" (as in the upper hand) in his relationship with a humorless concert pianist, George plans a "preemptive breakup." Jerry reluctantly participates in a friend's drug intervention. Kramer dreams up a cologne that smells like the beach. CRITIQUE Featuring three of the series' most resonant comic legacies — The Beach, "hand," and the almighty Pez — as well as one of its most infectiously silly scenes (Jerry's Pez tease at the recital and Elaine's resulting hysteria). A nonstop hoot. A

EPISODE 32

THE SUICIDE

FIRST AIRED 1/29/92 WRITER Leopold DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS Bizarrely, another episode guest-starring a product (Drake's Coffee Cake): Jerry's neighbor Martin (C.E. Grimes) attempts suicide, leaving him in a coma and opening the door for Jerry to date his exotic girlfriend, Gina (Gina Gallego). Butt-phobic Elaine offends a chain-smoking, pregnant psychic just as she is about to reveal George's destiny. INTRODUCES Wayne Knight as misanthropic Kramer cohort Newman. We're never told the origin of Jerry and Newman's mutual hatred; Seinfeld sees it as simply a dramatic given (and draws a familiar parallel): "Superman had his Lex Luthor. He's mine." CRITIQUE For once, it's Jerry center stage, in his riotous rapport with Gina, his seething rancor toward Newman, and his blithe lack of pity for Martin. B

EPISODE 33

THE FIX-UP

FIRST AIRED 2/5/92 WRITERS Pope/Charles DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS Neurotic, bulimic Cynthia (Friends' Maggie Wheeler) tells Elaine she's looking to meet a guy who "has nothing. Somebody who just has to appreciate being with me because he's so desperate." Naturally, matchmakers Elaine and Jerry think of George, who promptly — and proudly — saddles Cynthia with a pregnancy scare ("My boys can swim!"). HISTORIC MOMENT First mention of "the vault," the impenetrable mental chamber where secrets are kept. CRITIQUE A relentless, snarky banter-fest, aided and abetted by Wheeler, who could easily be a regular, she's such a great fit among these misfits. A-

EPISODE 34

THE BOYFRIEND

FIRST AIRED 2/12/92 WRITERS David/Larry Levin DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS In the series' first hour-long edition, a chance locker-room meeting pulls Jerry into a friendship-cum-romance with New York Met Keith Hernandez (playing himself); when Elaine starts dating him, Jerry's not sure whom he's jealous of. Kramer and Newman have their own connection to the Game 6 legend — a fateful 1987 "assassination" incident outside Shea Stadium. Meanwhile, George "the chucker" is in full fraudulent swing as he tries to extend his unemployment benefits. INTRODUCES Former Jerry neighbors and new parents Michael (here played by Stephen Prutting, later by Mark L. Taylor) and Carol (Lisa Mende), they of the "You gotta see the bay-bee" whine. Historic moment First real "Hello, Newman." CRITIQUE A quintessential watercooler episode — particularly in its subversive, spot-on parody of Oliver Stone's JFK, replete with "gravelly road" and "magic loogie." Generally, hour-long episodes are sitcom killers, even for this show. Meet the exception. A+

EPISODE 35

THE LIMO

FIRST AIRED 2/26/92 WRITERS Charles/Marc Jaffe DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS An airport scam goes horribly wrong, as George (with Jerry) impersonates a Mr. O'Brien to appropriate his limo. Turns out he's the leader of a neo-Nazi group, and the car is en route to a rally. CRITIQUE Despite an auspicious start, this was too much about something — and something unconvincingly preposterous at that. B-

EPISODE 36

THE GOOD SAMARITAN

FIRST AIRED 3/4/92 WRITER Mehlman DIR. Jason Alexander SYNOPSIS An outraged Jerry chases down a hit-and-run driver, only to end up dating her. George has an affair with a married woman. Kramer experiences seizures triggered by the voice of Entertainment Tonight's Mary Hart. (Don't we all?) CRITIQUE Lackluster doings all around. Now we know why Alexander never directed again. C

EPISODE 37

THE LETTER

FIRST AIRED 3/25/92 WRITER David DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS Jerry dates jealous, Neil Simon-plagiarizing painter Nina (Catherine Keener), whose father is an accountant for the Yankees; Elaine causes a brouhaha when she wears an Orioles cap in the owner's box. The art world gets a load of Kramer. HISTORIC MOMENTS We learn Kramer hopped a steamship to Sweden when he was 17 and Jerry wears button-fly jeans: "That's one place in my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking teeth. It's like a mink trap down there." CRITIQUE A boring girlfriend for Jerry — and four ho-hum subplots centering on her — make for tedium. C-

EPISODE 38

THE PARKING SPACE

FIRST AIRED 4/22/92 WRITERS David/Greg Daniels DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS A plan to get together at Jerry's to watch a prize fight is stymied when George and another presumptive guest, Mike (Lee Arenberg), wind up in a parking-space standoff in front of the building. HISTORIC MOMENT Highlights one of George's few bragging points: his prowess behind the wheel, specifically here as a primo parallel parker. CRITIQUE Another mediocre outing, winding up a comically challenged couple of weeks. This one sets up its scenario and just kinda lies there. C

EPISODE 39

THE KEYS

FIRST AIRED 5/6/92 WRITER Charles DIR. Cherones SYNOPSIS By abusing his visitation rights, Kramer breaks the "covenant of the keys," forcing Jerry to demand his set back. Kramer takes this reprimand as a cue to pursue his destiny (an acting career) and embarks on a madcap cross-country trek that results in a guest spot on Murphy Brown. CRITIQUE At long last, the K-Man gets a close-up in this cliff-hanger of sorts, including an especially flavorful (and all too rare) tete-a-tete with George. B+