''The Hills'' recap: Girls' night outrage
(a) Her car broke down on an empty road just as her cell-phone battery died;
(b) She found out her favorite grandmother had passed away;
(c) She got food poisoning from some bad sushi and ended up in the emergency room at 4:30 a.m.; or
(d) She caught Spencer talking to girls just before taking a shot with them.
If you answered ''D,'' then give yourself a pat on the back you're a winner! If you answered anything other than ''D,'' then shame on you how dare you think that the ''worst night of her life'' would revolve around anything actually weighty or traumatic. You should know better by now.
So here's the lowdown on this terrible night. Heidi, in her cheeriest ''I really need a girls' night!'' voice, persuaded Audrina to come out to this season's Les Deux, S Bar. (Yeah, so guess the friendship's back on. That didn't take too long.) Of course, She-Pratt was coming along for the outing, but not before telling her deadbeat brother where she was going and who she was going with. This news drove Beavis to shave, grab his random pal Kevin, and head to S Bar too. What happened next was exactly what happens at eighth-grade dances: Neither boy nor girl wants to be the first to say hi. Instead, both stubbornly retreat to their respective corners in hopes of maintaining some kind of power over the other. In this situation, Spencer's corner included two females with whom he harmlessly took a shot (or, um, sipped a shot. Yeah, about that: What kind of guy or girl over the age of 22, for that matter actually sips shots?). Heidi's corner also included a few new personalities, better known as Miss Resentful (''Like, you come here on my girls' night and start flirting with a group of girls''), Miss Angry (''I want to smash his face in''), and Miss Dramatic (''What if I weren't here? Like, what would you be doing?''). Still, none of Heidi's friends seemed uncomfortable, because pretty much all of them, including wallflower Audrina (''That's how I am too,'' she admitted in the heat of the moment), agreed with her rage toward Spencer.
Setting aside the fact that I can't for one split second actually picture impassive Audrina ever going off on any guy the way Heidi did to Spencer last night, how could any of those girls (specifically Stephanie, who knew very well why Spencer came to the club) let Heidi continue to gripe about something so inane? Probably because they're just as over it as we are, right? Speidi's pseudo-fights have gotten so ridiculous that I now find myself conjuring up scenarios of tiffs I'd much rather see them have. Like, ''Ugh, Spencer, I told you not to wear the color blue! God, you make me so mad.'' Or, ''Heidi, did you seriously just call my mom and tell her I really do like peas? You selfish bitch!'' (See how fun that is? Now you try.)
Moral of the Speidi story last night: Somehow, Heidi did something I didn't think was humanly possible. She painted Spencer in a wait for it good light! [Insert ''hallelujah'' chorus here.] When she was yelling at him at S Bar and later in his car, he practically looked like a stand-up guy, instead of your average douchebag. ''I wanted space.... I didn't want you, like, hooking up with other girls,'' she insisted of their relationship vacation. ''I didn't hook up with anybody!'' he exclaimed. ''I was there with my friends and you embarrassed me in front of everybody,'' she said, and he replied, ''I embarrassed you? For standing in a bar?... Bottom line is you're delusional if you think I was flirting with those girls. How long is relationship vacation? Am I supposed to not go to bars and not talk to people? Like, how many months?'' (Seriously, is anyone else waiting for the moment somewhere down the line when Spencer will inevitably yell, ''WE WERE ON A BREAK!''?)
It really does pain me to side with Beavis, but on this one, I can't help it. There's nothing more annoying than an overly possessive significant other, and why shouldn't he be allowed to talk to members of the opposite sex? It's not like he was sticking his slimy tongue down another girl's throat or anything. Plus, in the words of Lauren, ''Why wouldn't she just go up and say hi? Wasn't the guy, like, her fiancé?''
NEXT: Lauren's new opportunity