'Survivor' Recap: Who's Laughing Now?

I honestly don't know what to say. Seriously, I am at a loss for words. Just think about that for a second, because I can pretty much ramble on incessantly about any topic that strikes my fancy. But right now, I got nothin'. Then again, it's hard to talk when your mouth is as agape as Eliza's at Tribal Council. What in the Nickelodeon is going on around here?!? Is it just me, or was this one of the best Survivorepisodes ever? It had it all: overconfident leaders, blindsides, throwups, staredowns, Probst verbal smackdowns, shady deals, topless Micronesian grandmothers, mad dashes to the bathroom, and, finally, a new power player.

And credit the ousted Eliza for getting it all started thanks to her revelation at last week's Tribal Council (for anyone who hadn't yet figured it out) that Ozzy did, in fact, hold the hidden immunity idol. It got Cirie's wheels in motion, and as we've seen this season, when Cirie wants someone gone — they're gone. As soon as she got back from sending Eliza packing, Cirie mentioned that it ''might not have been such a bad thing'' had Eliza's idol been real and Ozzy been sent home. Jason, however, was feeling a bit down. ''Ozzy fooled me. I felt kinda silly,'' he informed us before making himself feel better by reminding us for the zillionth time how he beat Ozzy in an individual immunity challenge. Apparently still not quite feeling up to snuff, Jason then went on to refer to himself as a ''godlike competitor.'' Personally, I would have chosen ''insanely modest,'' but maybe that's just me.

Unfortunately, Jason was not humbled at the rope-tunnel memory reward challenge when he and Ozzy, Erik, and Amanda beat Natalie, James, Parvati, and Alexis. Cirie wasn't picked and had to go to Exile Island and get rained on, and hell hath no fury like a lonely, wet Cirie, who immediately began plotting Ozzy's demise.

Ozzy, however, was en route to Yap with Jason, Erik and Amanda, where they no doubt all fought over who could sit next to him on the plane. (Jason eventually settled on the co-pilot's chair, with editors thankfully cutting out any comparisons he surely made to controlling the aircraft the same way he was controlling the challenges.) Once they arrived, Erik was chased down by a giant Tyrannosaurus rex! The ferocious beast was all ready to devour the Leif Garrett clone, but then found itself hypnotized by his neon green shorts, ultimately dropping the contestant to instead start performing entire dance sequences from Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. Oh, I'm sorry. That was actually Erik's betel nut-induced hallucination. Let me tell you a little something about the betel nut. Everyone in Micronesia chews that stuff. Not only does it make you high, but it rots your teeth and leaves a nasty red paste all over your gums. Some guys who took me to Jellyfish Lake and the Milky Way over there were chewing that stuff, and their mouths looked like something straight out of the Evil Dead trilogy. Seriously, crystal meth has nothing on betel nut when it comes to decaying dental hygiene. In any event, Erik's body ultimately rejected the beer-and-betel combination and puked it all up, but I'm guessing that still didn't stop him from having nightmares about being chased by elderly topless Micronesian women (''That's the most boobs than I've probably seen in my whole life!'').

Meanwhile, back at camp, James morphed into my 5-year-old daughter, who will do anything within her power to wake me up for no good reason whatsoever other than the fact that it is fun to torture Daddy. James saw three sleeping beauties, and instead of just appreciating their slumbering perfection, he decided to start hammering. Apparently deciding that wasn't quite loud enough, he switched over to stripping wood. Still not satisfied with the decibel level, he took to sharpening his blade over and over, creating a SCREEEEECH, SCREEEEECH noise. Hell, he would have probably plugged a guitar into a stack of Marshall amps and cranked out Hendrix's version of ''The Star Spangled Banner'' if he could have. Eventually Parvati clued him in that people were trying to sleep and that he was maybe being just a tad obnoxious. James responded by going and pouting out in the rain. He finally came back just in time to hear Ozzy talk about all the amazing food they ate in Yap! Look, it has been established (and will be again in the next few paragraphs) that Ozzy is not the best strategist, but the Survivor Gameplay 101 manual clearly states, ''Thou shalt not come back and brag about awesomeness of reward challenges lest your tribemates get jealous and vote your gloating ass home.'' Of course, this was far from Ozzy's biggest blunder of the episode, which brings us to...

NEXT: ...the immunity challenge!

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