1 The Gulf War
How long? How many? How come?
2 The Television War
TV. They report rumor, innuendo, false alarms, cheap emotion, sketchy details, total irrelevancies, and then brag about doing it faster than the other guy.
3 Scuds and Patriots
F-111Es, BDA, B-52s, smart bombs, AWACS, sorties. People who didn't even know these words a month ago now have ''expert'' opinions.
4 War Protestors
It's not like the '60s at all. This time there are anti- protest protestors.
5 Saudi Women
The Koran says they can't drive cars? What does it say about microwave cookery and cellular phones?
6 Calling Up Reserves
''Can you run that 'one weekend a month' business by me again?''
7 The Recession
Bad? Trump's next book is called The Art of Selling Apples.
8 Sofia Coppola
So Lassie is a better actor The Godfather Part III isn't King Lear, either.
9 The Travel Slump
How about this: a free upgrade for every pink slip you turn in.
10 The 29-Cent Stamp
Let's stop being wimpy. Make stamps $200 apiece and we can put an end to this mail business for good.
Federal Dummies in Charge
12 Saddam's Bunker
Very revealing. It looked like something Delta Burke would want to call home.
13 Living Wills
Who will pull your plug? Maybe those people who leave everything to their pets aren't that crazy after all.
14 Gas Mask Mania
If Saddam sent hordes of drunken drivers to America to kill 61 people a day, people would be scared to death. But he didn't have to. We do it ourselves.
15 Kevin Costner
Dances With Wolves is Crazy Like Fox. So far he's made all the right choices.
16 Real Estate Prices
Is ''rock bottom'' just below ''down the tubes'' or just above ''in the toilet''?
17 Macaulay Culkin
Rumor has it he's gone Hollywood. He wants to direct.
18 Willie Nelson
Banks are failing, Trump is floundering, but Willie's a hick 'cause he can't handle his money. Right.
The hottest year on record. The government says it's a fluke. They said the S&L thing would cost $2 billion.
20 Art at Auction
Damn. I held on to my Old Masters too long.