Mario and Karina: 28/30 Mario dedicated a really raunchy dance to a 6-year-old boy who was then warned not to really watch it. ''Let's Get It On,'' children! How...cute? Actually, Mario's little brother, Ray Dylan, was adorable, and he provided some swiveling hip action almost as convincing as his big brother's. See, even that sounded inappropriate, even though it's what happened on screen. What's a girl to do? If you're Karina, it's ''wear a bedsheet to the ballroom.'' This made sense, as the rumba is the ''bedroom dance,'' but I didn't think they'd take the theme so literally by costuming Karina in what was essentially a dysfunctional diaper. After the rumba, which Carrie Ann called ''better than good sex,'' DANCMSTR got all crotchety, complaining that the dance is supposed to be about the development of a romance, ''not a strumpet and a gigolo.'' This was pretty harsh. Does Len remember any other episodes of this show? Isn't there at least one of those types on each night, two if you count Bruno? Speaking of that stallion, he was in top form after Mario and Karina's rumba, calling DANCMSTR ''crusty and stiffy'' (which caused Carrie Ann to blatantly scope out Len's crotch) and saying the rumba was full of ''savage, primeval lust,'' followed by something that was bleeped out. I'm 100 percent sure it was ''eating each other.'' And duh, Mario and Karina are at a buffet. Why wouldn't they?
Cristián and Cheryl: 27/30 Cristián's fans are likely miffed that their guy scored only one point behind Mario (whom Bruno called out for doing a lift but then awarded a 10 anyway). If bottom-two dweller Cristián has fans, that is. I hope he does — he looked good last night! Did you see when he slid down the banister? Talent! No, seriously, Cristián finally buckled down and must have trained harder for the foxtrot than any other dance yet. He looked shocked when Bruno complimented his footwork as ''an unexpected treat.'' (Buffet!) And he was so excited by Carrie Ann's comment about his crossing over from Rigid to Refined that — somewhat invoking his old friend the Sea World sea lion — he executed a hilarious seal clap that accidentally encompassed Cheryl's head. The tasty Chilean sea bass of a man is simply more comfortable in aquatic environments (like swimming pools) than on land. It's who he is! And speaking of identity, Cristán's knack for the ballroom dances over the Latin ones has him questioning whether his parents lied to him about his heritage. He's in for a treat when he meets his real parents.
For those of you following my Sequins vs. Fringe tally on DWTS Talk, i.e., no one, just an FYI: Cheryl's Ginger Rogers-inspired feather dress will count as double fringe this week. It has to.
Marissa Jaret Winokur and Tony: 26/30 ''It's 2008. Who curtsies?'' Marissa does! Her Viennese waltz was my favorite dance of Tony and Marissa's to date, if only because it's the first one that did not end with an ''OH MY GOD I'M DANCING HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!!!'' face from Marissa. Last night's final pose contained actual drama, and I thought she and Tony pulled it off quite well. I appreciated her long gown and his indigo suit, the relative classiness of which helped offset the atrocious version of ''Delilah'' that accompanied the waltz. The judges universally praised the pair, although Bruno could barely finish what he was saying because Tony had butted in with a complaint about how Bruno's critique was ''all business.'' (Quick, who has a history book? Mark that down in it.) Marissa just couldn't contain her excitement about getting 9s, so she wandered back into the realm of her consciousness in which screeching every utterance is acceptable and encouraged. No one else lives there with her. It's annoying, but she doesn't seem able to help it, so it's okay. Give me another week and I might actually call it endearing. Tom's stern suggestion that Marissa ''cheer up'' was hysterical.
Jason Taylor and Edyta: 24/30 What? They've never been this low ranked! Not even a cartwheel over the staircase's railing could goad the judges into handing out 9s so early in the night. (Jason and Edyta have typically danced toward the end of the show, but they performed their cha-cha first last night.) I'll bypass a lengthy explanation of Edyta's costume (in brief: sequined strings dangling from...briefs) in favor of relaying Carrie Ann's significant critique of Jason: He has Big Man Syndrome and is basically dancing ''too small'' for his body. Honestly, it just seemed like the judges picked this week to not overscore Jason. His dancing looked the same as usual — competent and, well, huge. Jason opted for the sleeveless look last night, so of course Bruno had to say, ''I like to see you more exposed!'' He also couldn't resist calling Jason ''flamboyant.'' (Bruno, don't scare him; otherwise he'll never unbutton that vest.) I loved how Jason promised his fans some sweet moves in the freestyle round (which happens on finals week) if they'd vote for him last night. He did show a certain flair while dancing with Sho-Tyme — who, as we learned when Edyta read it off a cue card, ''is a hip-hop choreographer who has worked with Gwen Stefani and many other artists.'' Trivia!
NEXT: Shannon and Derek's not-so-secret love
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