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Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark: 54/60 First of all, Kristi and Mark finally did a rehearsal package on the ice. I flipped out just seeing her twirl around out there. (My sister even messaged me: ''kristi on ice - aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh! memories!!!'' As if DWTS didn't dumb us down enough, we felt the need to become 12 again.) During their first dance, the Viennese waltz, it was difficult to focus on anything except the enormous prop (sequined!) umbrella and Mark's inexplicable naval uniform. But I actually think they somehow made it work. Mark knows he doesn't need to use props to distract from Kristi's limitations (because she has zero), and he knows the judges know that, too. So I found the strange story line pretty cunning in a ''why not'' sort of way. Their final pose, getting cozy behind the umbrella, reminded me of (nerd alert!) Allison and Ivan's ''Sexy Love'' hip-hop number on So You Think You Can Dance. Later, Kristi donned forest green fringe while Mark stomped around the floor in a sparkly shirt/robe for their cha-cha, or what DANCMSTR disapprovingly called ''that boogaloo hip-hop dance.'' The hip-hop moves were minimal, and not even that hip-hop, though that didn't stop former Fly Girl Carrie Ann from awarding Kristi two snaps above the head — and then revising the snap count to three. Tom's inordinately high kick, right after Bruno's comments to Kristi and Mark, is worth a rewind here. The man's been stretching!
Marissa Jaret Winokur and Tony: 52/60 Marissa had to play ''passionate'' this week with the tango and the rumba — and once she got over the insecurity hump about possibly not being able to ''bring sexy back,'' she turned in two of her best dances to date. I'm surprised she's still around, to be honest, but this lady is growing on me, if only because she's the last remaining contestant who's still delighted when she receives a 9. I found Marissa and Tony's rumba to be, as DANCMSTR said, ''a little careful,'' but then I always think that about the rumbas. Bruno wanted it ''a little dirty....You could have pushed a little bit more on the sex.'' (What a keen lovemaking tip from Bruno!) I loved both Marissa's and Tony's costumes for the tango — Marissa's floor-length, black-lace-over-hot-pink gown was her most flattering outfit, and the way it fluttered about in the breeze when she twirled made the accompanying moves look all the more impressive. DANCMSTR had three words for Marissa's tango: ''Your. Best. Dance.'' And Carrie Ann gave Marissa the ultimate we're-rooting-for-you speech, insisting that someone like Marissa is ''what this competition is all about.'' I feel like C.A. says that every week, and it's usually about, like, some guy's ass. Oh, well. Carrie on....
Mario and Karina: 51/60 The judges have consistently avoided giving Mario an outpouring of solid encouragement, not to mention the high scores he deserves. His mambo was my favorite dance of the night, just because how many people can pull off those blinding white pants? (I know, I know, the other Mario. I know. But those were so November 2006, okay?) Mario 2.0 (his actual last name is Barrett! Yessssss!) had to learn an extra set of choreography for his new music video and basically admitted to sort of giving up on the fox-trot during rehearsal footage and after the dance itself. I'm a moron about dancing, but I still thought that first dance was pretty good. The judges said it wasn't elegant (DANCMSTR) and lacked control (Bruno). Carrie Ann then gave the sort of constructive criticism only she knows how to concoct: ''Next week, I need you to be a little stiffer.'' Actually, that wasn't fair to Carrie Ann. Any judge would've said that. And all three really dug Mario's excellent mambo — the dance he was truly excited about this week. DANCMSTR called Mario's mambo ''wacky, wild, and wonderful,'' and all I could think about after he said that was that the comment was possibly a subliminal advertisement for the World Wide Web. Who's bewildered now? (You?)
Shannon Elizabeth and Derek: 51/60 I'm just going to ignore the whole showmance/personal element of Shannon and Derek's packages because they're beginning to annoy me so much. The dances are what should matter, and I thought both of this pair's dances were pretty awful. I was shocked when the judges claimed to have enjoyed that clompy tango. Shannon's tendency to seem like she's being propped up by her partner was underscored by the fast footwork and her remaining constantly in hold; what's more, the song they danced to seemed like the accompaniment to a creepy toy store coming to life at night. No offense to the band (I guess?), because I get that the song was supposed to be traditional tango music. But when it slowed down at the end, my suspicion — that the music was following the trajectory of a hypothetical windup doll on a 90-second wild ride of human simulation — was confirmed. In this dance, Shannon seemed more wonky and doll-like than Marie Osmond during her season 5 freestyle nosedive. In my mind, Shannon has reemerged as a new wood- and fabric-based species. I shall call her...Shannequin. Then, later, came the pair's woefully misguided mambo, during which both dancers ''seduced'' the judges on or near the table. ''Ain't nothin' wrong with this?'' the accompanying lyric asked. Hmm. When Derek's (closed) crotch and (open) chest end up directly above Bruno's face, and Shannequin ends up writhing directly below DANCMSTR and caressing his face, I beg to differ. The scenario is simply not fair to Carrie Ann.
NEXT: Cristián cramps up
