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Ah, DanceCenter. It's like this ridiculously rich pink cupcake I'm eating — when it's right in front of me, I get an overwhelming sense that there's no reason I shouldn't have this all the time, but such repetition would probably deplete its extra-specialness. Still, what a treat. Jerry Rice is into glitter now, and Kenny Mayne's excessive makeup, featuring that inexplicable eye stencil, was as terrifying as ever. As usual, my favorite parts of the segments were the ''notes'' on the players' stat screens, which no one actually read out loud. Mario: ''Brother called Luigi.'' Shannon: ''Needs a hip replacement.'' Kristi: ''Perfect in every way.'' And so on. Kristi's part actually seemed the harshest, critique-wise — DANCMSTR called the Yam ''one-dimensional,'' to which Kenny added, ''She's a robot.'' But we shall not take this stuff seriously, especially when Jerry's contribution to this important breakdown was a rather turned-on delivery of ''Yama-hoochie!'' The trio had nothing even fake bad to say about Jason Taylor, though. Kenny said what was on all our minds — ''What a specimen!'' — and DANCMSTR couldn't think of a fault, so he just blamed Edyta's choreography.
They covered a lot of hilarious ground, though — stuff like Mark's distracting guppy faces and Shannequin's tremendous laziness — that most people haven't seen analzyed on-screen (unless they watch DWTS Talk on EW.com, of course). Speeding up Marissa's speech = genius. Pointing out Tony's freakishly white teeth = fun-necessary. Not to mention ''Mario McCheese.'' Kenny even referred to sea bass! He must have been flirting with me.
Tom could barely contain his giggles about Jason's flatulence after the second DC segment (he even made the mental connection from farts to ''elimination''), and his giddiness didn't die down until the scary tendon talk toward the end. I loved how Tom was totally cracking up when Samantha and her '80s hair screeched the second intro for Def Leppard. The arena rockers showed up to lip-synch two songs and delude us into thinking smoke was really fire. For ''Pour Some Sugar on Me,'' six DWTS pros lurched around in Cheryl's favorite paso gear: the open-faced Ursula the Sea Witch-inspired pleather dominatrix costume. (A classic!) Mark Ballas performed his spinning-leap-into-kneel move, because he must do that every night the show airs. Later, American rhythm champions Jose Decamps and Joanna Zacharewicz kept the Def Jam fire burning with a sexy routine to the new single ''Nine Lives.'' I obviously enjoyed Joanna's scandalous (even by DWTS standards) costume, featuring a feathery train and diagonal back strings, but ignoring Jose's brilliant V-crotch shirt (like a V-neck, but the V digs deeper; for more information, look up ''Tony Dovolani'') was definitely a mistake. Thank God for DVR! Also realized upon rewind: Cristián can now model himself after Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen, who proved you can totally rock the ballroom floor with just one arm.
What do you think? Is Cristián's decision to keep dancing foolish or brave? Are you happy with the new lift rule, or does it give some couples an unfair advantage? And who will miss Shannequin and her ''bionic bum''?
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