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lost-door_l
THE HIEROGLYPHIC DOOR Keep knockin' the Doc's theory, we dare ya!

And the Fan Theory of the Week goes to...

Bill Geoghegan, who writes: ''Hi Jeff! After re-watching ''The Shape of Things to Come'' for the third time I had a minor epiphany about Charles Widmore — or should I say Captain Hanso?! Here goes: 'That island's mine, Benjamin. It always was. It will be again.' When Widmore makes his claim to the Island during the bedroom scene with Ben, it's frustratingly vague, leaving so much unsaid. It hints at a history that may stretch back ...well...further than would seem natural. Like the ageless Mr. Alpert, Charles Widmore may be a man whose appearance might seem downright youthful when given his real age. Exactly what is Widmore's connection to the Island and when did he come to call it his own? Drawing a conclusion based on the clues we have right now, I'd say that Widmore's real identity is...Magnus Hanso! Yep, Captain of the Black Rock. He found the Island by accident, shipwrecked maybe, but eventually he mastered its secrets. For a time he ruled it as his own, but ultimately, somehow, got expelled from its life-preserving shores. Can't you just see him on the deck of some old English freighter, barking out orders to the sailors? And a slave trader, no less — just the type of occupation you'd expect of this sneering, grizzled old buzzard. Besides the perfect personality match, there's an even bigger clue: his bidding on the journal from the Black Rock. Obviously, he knows something of this ship and its connection to the Island. But how? And lastly, there's his sponsoring of the sailing competition that Desmond entered. If Widmore was once a seafaring man himself, it would be natural that he'd take pleasure in the epic challenges of men crossing the high seas.''

Dear Bill: Your grasp of Lost arcana — gleaned from the blast-door map and ''The Lost Experience'' (in case any ''non-cultists'' out there feel...well, lost) — dazzles me, so much so that your hypothesis is my new default Charles Widmore theory. A no prize to you!

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!
Toward an extraterrestrial and Egypt-y theory of Lost — in which Doc Jensen converses with the only normal person he knows: Himself!

JEFF JENSEN: Hey Doc!
DOC JENSEN: Hey Jeff! How are you?

Swell! Listen, some of my ''non-cultist'' Lost friends have a question about last week's episode, ''The Shape of Things to Come,'' and they wanted to know if you had any insight. Do you have a moment?
Sure. Let me just put down by Bible concordance and complete collection of Carmine Infantino Flash comics and I can be mentally present with you. [THUMP!]

So you really watch the show with that stuff?
Nah. I watch — and appreciate — the show just like everyone else. I don't consult that stuff until days later, either for fun to write my Doc Jensen columns, which, to be clear, is fun, too.

Interesting. You know, most obsessed fans express their fandom by, say, buying Jimmy Choo shoes. But you, like, read books. You're weird!
I know! Anyway, you had a question?

Oh, yes. Okay, you know that secret room in Ben's house, and that wall or door with all those hieroglyphics carved in it?
Yes.

Ummm...what was that?
It is further proof that the ancient civilization that once lived on the Island — the society responsible for the four-toed statue and the ruins where Ben tried to get Locke to kill his dad — was actually a very advanced civilization from another planet.

[Silence]
You look puzzled.

Well, yeah. Are you suggesting...aliens? On the Island?
Yes.

How do you figure that?
Because the glyphs are Egyptian. And as everyone knows, the aliens built the pyramids.

I think you're going to have to give me a little more proof than a nutty conspiracy theory. What clues do you see in Lost that suggest aliens?
You mean, besides the conspicuous dropping of Philip K. Dick's book Valis earlier this season?

Sure. Besides that.
Well, according to Koobie at DocArzt.com, the simplest translation of those Egyptian hieroglyphics on the door is: ''to summon protection.''

NEXT PAGE: Doc Jensen continues to talk to himself...about Indiana Jones


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