''How is it that I graduated top of my class at business school, but the phrase 'paper jam area B' just sends me over the edge?''
SARAH (RACHEL GRIFFITHS), ON BROTHERS & SISTERS
''I keep thinking about Kelso. He reminds me of my grandpa. He's pervy, demeaning, and an eensy bit racist, but you crave his love anyway because he smells like peppermint.''
ELLIOT (SARAH CHALKE), SAD ABOUT DR. KELSO (KEN JENKINS) BEING FORCED INTO RETIREMENT, ON SCRUBS
''Earth Day can't be that important if I still have to work.''
JULIUS (TERRY CREWS), AFTER DREW (TEQUAN RICHMOND) AND CHRIS (TYLER JAMES WILLIAMS) TRY TO EXPLAIN THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE HOLIDAY, ON EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS
''Bro Code Article 89: The mom of a bro is always off limits but the stepmom of a bro is fair game if she initiates it and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard-print clothing.''
BARNEY (NEIL PATRICK HARRIS), EXPLAINING A RULE OF MALE FRIENDSHIP, ON HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
''This week former president [Jimmy Carter] went to the Gaza Strip and recognized Hamas as the legitimate head of the Palestinian government. You know what, Jimmy Carter? I'm no longer recognizing you as an ex-president! From now on, the 39th president was Nell Carter!''
STEPHEN COLBERT ON THE COLBERT REPORT
''If only she knew a very wealthy former president who made $30 million for his autobiography.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, DISCUSSING HILLARY CLINTON'S FUND-RAISING PROBLEMS, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
''Hillary Clinton says she's willing to debate Barack Obama 'anytime, anywhere' and would even meet him in the back of a truck. Which is surprising, because the 'anytime, anywhere, even in the back of a truck' offer is usually made by Bill Clinton.”
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''But it's an historic day. Earlier today, down at National's Stadium, Washington, D.C., the Pope had mass, and it went pretty long. The mass ran kind of long. As a matter of fact, the fourth hour was hosted by Kathie Lee.''
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON THE LATE SHOW