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Kristi's second dance was the samba, but all my memories focus on that busted red-and-yellow costume. It was completely fringed — so according to my own ridiculous costuming standards, I should have loved it. But...yikes. My mom called to tell me it reminded her of the yellow Sprite' costume I wore to a youth ballet recital, and my sister e-mailed me this winning description: ''human volcanic fireball, with fringe wings...what was that???'' Good question. According to my own expert opinion, Kristi's outfit resembled two adjacent pools of ketchup and mustard that were about to get viciously swirled by a giant fry. If Mark had worn yellow instead of red, this visual would make even more sense than it already does. Anyway! The judges dissed Kristi's samba, calling it ''slightly awkward'' and lacking in rhythm. Mark didn't put in any samba rolls, which surprised me. But I loved all those incredible turns — my my, that precarious glob of condiments sure can spin!
Yo, Brian Boitano in the audience next to Kristi's mom! No, that's all. Just hi.
Mario and Karina: 53/60 Okay, I take it back: Mario and Karina's Viennese waltz was my favorite dance of the night. I thought Mario was pretty graceful, and certainly as ''stiff'' as Scarrie Ann wanted him to be. I loved the cool sequence in the middle where they stepped in and out of hold four times quickly. (Look at me, using the phrase ''in and out of hold''!) And I thought their lift during the waltz was the most seamless of all the attempted lifts of the evening. Everything just flowed very nicely, including Karina's white dress, which kind of made her look like a skankalicious bride. Good thing they practiced that one in the pool during rehearsal, huh? Because, Mario informed us, in a pool, ''the only thing Karina has to worry about is being cold.'' In a white bikini. Ah, that was rich. Len's comments, on the other hand, were just cheap and uncalled for. ''Normally your ballroom dance reminds me of Britney Spears getting out of a car — not very elegant,'' he told Mario before even addressing the waltz at hand. Really, DANCMSTR? How long was that ''current'' pop-culture reference brewing in your stuffy old noggin? You were such a softie to me in last week's 'DWTS Talk' — what's with this week's raging 'tude?
Mario's jive — enhanced by awesome pink suspenders that somehow totally worked with the rest of the pair's ''look'' — was much less impressive, but certainly not as bad as DANCMSTR made it out to be. Out of nowhere, his contempt returned to knock down Mario's ''bloody big, ugly'' feet. Huh? Why not just say, ''No technique in the footwork,'' which was the next phrase out of his squinchy mouth, and leave it at that? Someone should go fetch Len his fave snack of a cheese roll and a cup of tea, because I'm sick of this. Bruno and Carrie Ann had better things to say, and Carrie Ann (and Tom!) loved the somewhat convoluted lift at the end of the dance that lowered into a split. It was very in the spirit of the show — too much flash condensed into an impossible time frame, and they somehow kind of made it work. I enjoyed that.
NEXT: Jason's spray tan fails to impress
