Jason Taylor and Edyta: 52/60 After ''sacking Kristi'' last week (thanks for that visual, Tom), Jason dropped to fourth place. Whoa! My guesses for next week's Tom Bergeron voice-over keywords include ''fumble'' and ''on the defensive.'' Or I could just go all out and predict a complete sentence: ''Our favorite hot football player with totally ripped abs that a spray tan certainly enhances but let's be honest they probably looked great to begin with plummeted to the bottom of the judges' leaderboard.'' Yep, that's it. The judges loved Jason and Edyta's first dance, a sultry tango that, as Bruno pointed out, was thoroughly enhanced by Edyta's performance. Specifically, I thought her sharp but contained leg motions made the tango seem technically more impressive. The lift at the end did seamlessly blend into the dramatic tango finish of Edyta sprawled angrily on the floor. Len and Bruno argued about what tango actually was, then out came two 10s. (One was a ''Teeeeeeeeeeehn!'')
Jason's samba was a different story: DANCMSTR called out Jason's lack of musicality and uncomfortable look, Carrie Ann said he failed at flamboyance (which Jason probably took as a compliment), and Bruno just called the dance ''a turkey.'' Jason's low scores were surprising, but at least we got to hear DANCMSTR's lilting ''seh-ven!'' — probably for the last time all season. Jason's moves did seem a bit recycled and basic, and for me the only awesome part of the dance was another incredible lift that basically begged us to worship at the six-foot-six-inch-tall altar of the perfect female form — an upside-down Edyta arched into a stunning diagonal line. Put that on your fridge and look at it when you feel like eating pudding! Then eat the pudding anyway. You totally deserve it.
Marissa Jaret Winokur and Tony: 50/60 It's crunch time, which means Marissa needs to mention her triumph over cancer in the same breath as ''We're in the bottom two.'' Cringe! (Whoa — I'm suddenly appalled that ''cringe'' rhymes with ''fringe.'' Significant? Discuss.) Marissa has definitely grown on me, but based strictly on dance ability, she — or Cristián — should go home this week. Marissa and Tony's fox-trot — featuring a pewter gown that put Sabrina's purple frock last season to complete shame in the Dept. of the Unnecessarily Unflattering — was a bit too Broadway for Bruno's tastes. I didn't even think that was possible, but okay. There was a lot of stop-and-go in Marissa and Tony's fox-trot and mambo, and both dances just seemed a little slower and less complicated than everyone else's. After their mambo, DANCMSTR went ahead and confused everyone even more with a complaint that Marissa wasn't ''raunchy'' enough. He should have plenty of raunch (of which to approve and disapprove at will) in tonight's 100th episode extravaganza! You know, the show Tom says ''takes an hour to promote''? We noticed. And we can't wait!
Did anyone else love when Cristián tried to act demure and shield his nipples from the camera after giving everyone backstage a high five?
Me too!
What do you think? Who are you excited to see return to the ballroom tonight? Were the judges too easy on Cristián, and will they ever ease up on Mario? And do you like the idea of the contestants' picking dances out of a hat next week, or should that particular brand of nonsense be left to So You Think You Can Dance?
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