'The Hills': Escape From L.A.

''The Hills'' recap: Heidi flees Spencer

Let's get one thing out of the way, shall we? And by that I mean one annoying, predictable, godforsaken thing we must endure each week: Speidi. Yes, those blond children of Satan who relish cosmetic surgery and homemade music videos were at it again last night on The Hills with yet another contrived, bo-ring story line. At the beginning of the episode, Heidi met with Bolthouse boss man Brent, used a few big words (well, for Heidi, they were) like ''expanding'' and ''brilliant,'' and somehow became a new so-called project manager, ''helping open up all the Hydes and stuff, working on more of, like, the hotels, maybe going to Vegas coming up.'' (See, she's already transformed herself into an eloquent professional.) This news prompted the rising star to brag to her banged-out coworker Kimberly, who then asked what Spencer was going to say, and Heidi bluntly responded, ''I don't care.''

Apparently this wasn't an exaggeration, because later, when Stephanie popped on over to Heidi's place as she normally does, Heidi, who touched the front of her hair more times in the span of two minutes than most girls do in hours, told her the news about her upcoming travels and with a very serious face said, ''It's good because I just need to kind of clear my head.'' Loved Stephanie's response here: ''In Vegas? In Sin City? That's where you're gonna clear your head?'' ''There's nothing really holding me back,'' Heidi said in response. Oh, please — if it's not ''I need a girl's night,'' then it's ''I need to go to [name of city where Spencer can easily find me] to clear my head.'' I'm so over your ''needs,'' Heidi. When exactly did they ''officially'' break up anyway? Did I miss the memo or something? Last time I checked (on the show at least, not on the Internet), the darling couple was fighting over Spencer's buying a shot for a girl at a bar. I don't recall ever hearing the words ''We're through!'' out of either of their mouths (or at least hearing them muttered in any kind of serious way). And believe me, if I did, I think I would've thrown a party.

Heidi eventually mumbled some more BS to Stephanie, including a request that she not mention anything to Spencer about her trip to Vegas because it ''isn't his business.'' Which, of course, means next week it will become his business. After all, we did see the poor thing get kicked out of his sister's apartment ('bout freaking time!) and wander aimlessly back over to Heidi's. But — gasp — she had disappeared. Cue the sad, soul-searching music in the background as Spencer desperately called his sister and asked where his better half was. None of this footage tugged at my heartstrings as it was intended (I'm sure it didn't tug at yours, either), but it did activate my vomit reflex.

And I've now, yet again, dedicated way too much time and space to a couple who are, as we are all reminded every week — no, make that day — by the gossip sites, still together. Heck, just over the weekend they were flaunting their ''flawless'' relationship at the Kentucky Derby. Yup, there goes that vomit reflex again.

NEXT: Two's company, Audrina's crowded out