The season finale is upon us! (Was that a tear that just escaped your eye?) ''No Place Like Home'' kicks off a two-part, three-hour event that concludes a fast-paced, hard-rocking season. The big twist you may have heard about code-named ''Frozen Donkey Wheel'' by Lost producers (possibilities: a steam-powered time machine; a metaphor for the celestial clockwork of the universe paralyzed by quantum catastrophe; what a pile of mule dung looks like) will occur in the two-hour giant-size wrap-up airing on May 29. Tonight, however, you will see, at long last, the Oceanic 6 return home via Hawaii our westward ''sea-washed, sunset-gate,'' in the words of a famous poem that links Lost to a certain iconic American statue. (Don't worry: I'll explain this in a minute.) And according to executive producer Damon Lindelof, you will also see this:
''Press conferences, funerals, and surprise parties.... Oh my!''
(See, because ''No Place Like Home'' is a Wizard of Oz reference. Get it?)
Programming note: Even though part 2 of ''No Place Like Home'' won't air until two weeks from now, there will be a new Doc Jensen column next week. With the season almost finished, I'm looking for answers to the following question: With the departure of the Oceanic 6 imminent, what happened to the other castaways? Keep your responses brief 70 words, tops. Here's my guess:
Locke and his fellow Left Behinders escape Keamy and the freighter mercenaries by using the Dharma time machine to quantum leap into the Island's past, where Locke finds himself the leader of the Hostiles. The other castaways? Members of the Dharma Initiative! And guess what? They can't remember who they are! (Now you know why Sawyer was so dazzled by Room 23 last season: déjà vu!)
Send your thoughts to JeffJensenEW@aol.com. I'll run as many as I can next week.
MRS. DOC JENSEN'S FIRST LOST THEORY
My wife, the lovely Amy Jensen, doesn't really share in her husband's theory-making hijinks. In fact, a small part of her is rejoicing that the annual obsessive attention-suck that is Lost the one that has me in a perpetual state of zoned-out, mind-spinning distractedness (sample: Are the fans right? Was there an implied Dalai Lama connection in last week's episode?) is almost over. But the other day, she made me fall in love with her all over again when she sprang this idea about Smokey on me, and I have to say, I dig it.
Amy's theory is that whenever someone or something ''stuff'' is sent from the present into the future or past via the Island's (unseen; still hypothetical) time machine, then ''stuff'' from the past or future is displaced into the present. It could be that this kind of substitution is necessary to prevent paradox. After all, only so much matter or energy exists in the universe at any single moment. So the insertion of space to a particular moment of time would require a reciprocal removal of space/time. Enter the Monster. Smokey serves as displacement subtracted stuff from past or present that allows for time travel to happen without violating various physical laws.
NEXT PAGE: We're off to see the Wizard!