Sound Bites

Sound Bites

TV's funniest lines from May 6 to 12. Read the expanded online-only version of our favorite quips, then vote for the best quote

''Yeah, I'm trying to lure these kids into my booth. But kids are very wary of being lured these days. Thank you, Dateline.''
MICHAEL SCOTT (STEVE CARELL), AT A HIGH SCHOOL JOB FAIR, ON THE OFFICE

''I was rounding up from 50 percent.''
HOUSE (HUGH LAURIE), EXPLAINING WHY HE CALLED THE BISEXUAL THIRTEEN (OLIVIA WILDE) A LESBIAN, ON HOUSE

''As I march up the steps of the Meade building, it'll be the greatest comeback since…Jesus.''
WILHELMINA (VANESSA WILLIAMS), EXTOLLING THE WONDER OF HER RETURN TO MODE, ON UGLY BETTY

''Amy Winehouse was arrested Wednesday in connection with a video that allegedly shows her doing drugs at a party. Winehouse could be looking at real jail time under England's harsh 'bazillion strikes' law.''
SETH MEYERS, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’S ''WEEKEND UPDATE''

''Why should I get her anything? It's Mother's Day, not Wife's Day.''
JULIUS (TERRY CREWS), AFTER THE KIDS ASK HIM WHAT HE PLANS TO GET ROCHELLE, ON EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS

''You're crazy. You'll officially go down as the dumbest Survivor ever. In the history of Survivor. Ever.''
PARVATI, WHILE VOTING OFF ERIK, WHO HAD JUST GIVEN AWAY HIS IMMUNITY, ON SURVIVOR: MICRONESIA

''I'm literally buried in spinach. I'm like Popeye's wet f---ing dream right now.''
CONTESTANT ANDREW, WHILE CREAMING SPINACH FOR THE ''WEDDING WARS'' CHALLENGE, ON TOP CHEF

''If it's a boy, we're gonna name him Morpheus, like that guy in The Matrix. If it's a girl, ooh yeah, I used to boff this girl named Judy, and I would love to honor her.''
DENNIS (DEAN WINTERS), AFTER LEARNING THAT LIZ (TINA FEY) IS PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD, ON 30 ROCK

''It was a big weekend for Iron Man. That movie made more than $200 million—that’s more in an opening weekend than Spider Man 2 and The Hottie and the Nottie combined.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

''Earlier today, President Bush said that Cinco de Mayo is an opportunity to recognize the strong ties of family, economy, and culture that bind the United States and Mexico. Then the president said, 'Now let's get back to building that fence.' ''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

''I thought this was nice — for their wedding night, President Bush is loaning the groom his 'Mission Accomplished' banner.''
DAVID LETTERMAN DISCUSSING JENNA BUSH'S WEDDING, ON THE LATE SHOW

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Originally posted May 15, 2008 Published in issue #992-993 May 23, 2008 Order article reprints