Hero Worship

Forget film theory: Ain't It Cool News writer Vern (whose real name is a closely guarded secret) turns his curious love of the oeuvre of aging action star Steven Seagal into a new branch of academia in his book, Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagal (paperback). Here, the superfan discusses his picks for the five most awesome moments in all of Seagal-dom.

1. Marked for Death (1990)
The Moment
Seagal kills the twin brother of the villainous Screwface, quipping, ''I hope they weren't triplets.''
Vern Says
''It's Seagal's equivalent of [the scene] in Babe when [James Cromwell]says, 'That'll do, pig,' at the end.''

2. Out for Justice (1991)
The Moment
On a stakeout, Seagal is distracted by a pimp roughing up a prostitute. After he throws the guy through a windshield, a freeze-frame of his face is followed by the words ''Steven Seagal...Out for Justice.''
Vern Says
The iconic shot establishes Seagal as ''the ultimate badass.''

3. On Deadly Ground (1994)
The Moment
Seagal humiliates a thug in a bar fight but lets him go.
Vern Says
A lesser action hero would have killed the guy, but Seagal ''has a bonding moment with him.''

4. Hard to Kill (1990)
The Moment
In a TV spot, a corrupt senator says, ''You can take that to the bank.'' Seagal's retort? ''I'm gonna take you to the bank, Senator Trent — to the blood bank.''
Vern Says
''That's such a great one-liner that I can't even decide if it's bad or if it's good.''

5. Urban Justice (2007)
The Moment
Playing a father on a quest for vengeance, Seagal takes out one unlucky bad guy with 11 consecutive kicks below the belt.
Vern Says
''Seagal is waging a war on crotches.''