Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl: 52/60 During the cha-cha, the tasty Chilean sea bass of a man channeled Mark's affinity for heinous monochromatic suits, complete with heeled slippers in the same exact color. Up this week: fuchsia! Everyone knows that real men, especially those who ''bang like the best'' (said Bruno, of course), wear fuchsia. Unlike Mark, though, Cristián had the sense to forgo buttons on his shirt. Speaking of Mark, the original fish face, I loved when Cristián suggested he'd only choreographed 30 seconds of his cha-cha in order to crib ideas from the others. ''I know how you think, Ballas!'' yelled Cristián, and it sounded like ''Bahl-iss.'' (Yeah, that was pretty much the pinnacle of intramural drama this week.)
In their Brussels-sprouts-colored freestyle, the C&C Ballroom Factory actually did keep it a little ballroom-esque — they were the only couple to incorporate many of their moves from past weeks, possibly because they had no other choice. Cristián's ruptured tendon gave us a scare during their rehearsal footage, maybe because it's a ruptured tendon and he's still yanking it around on a dance floor. The dual fist pumps and a few seconds of Cheryl rolling around on the floor while Cristián shuffled sideways wasn't cutting it for the judges, who said they had to score Cristián according to the standards of the able-bodied. DANCMSTR in particular criticized C&C for a lackluster set of lifts. I only saw two (out of many) repeats — the bigger issue here is why the freestyle round was basically a glorified lift-off this season.
Jason Taylor and Edyta: 51/60 After the cha-cha showdown, DANCMSTR and Carrie Ann both admitted to feeling sorry for the NFL Man of the Year because Latin's not exactly his thing (but foxtrot is). Carrie Ann even tossed Jason a compliment as misguided as the one she gave Cristián (''I see a winner in so many other ways'') by saying that despite his clipped movements, Jason ''carried it off with a lot of fun and excitement.'' Whoa, I just realized she probably just wanted to say ''carried.'' As in ''You got Carrie'd.'' Anyway, Jason's floppy hands and beige vest during the cha-cha only earned him a 24, the lowest score since the halcyon days of two weeks ago. (He got a 23 for week 8's samba.)
Jason's freestyle song, ''Miami'' (get it?), was a little slow for my tastes, but then again, did we really want to see him attempt to do a vaguely hip-hop routine faster than he did? Probably not. I have to say, though, Jason sold the style fairly well. Edyta's first freestyle turned out to be a pretty enjoyable (and pretty...pretty; ''it was like watching centerfolds'') dance that started out with four players — Jason, a giant beach ball, Edyta, and a sunhat — and gradually whittled down to traces of Jason and Edyta, plus performance legwarmers (!), which did not fly off at some point like the rest of their costumes. Jason's off-white pants against his white shirt were completely distracting, so even though it was a predictable gimmick (and something he'd promised to do weeks ago), that Maks-esque tank top couldn't be yanked from Jason's needlessly spray-tanned torso soon enough.
And now, for the final H.G. of the W.!
All three judges ''acting'' like they didn't know Kristi was comin' in for the kill!
(H.G. of the W. runner-up is Edyta's blissfully oblivious facial expression after Tom told us (via an audio feed the contestants cannot hear) that several gallons of spray tan were used this season, ''mostly on Edyta.'')
What do you think? How's that image of DANCMSTR in a thong doing in your brain? Can the sea bass's Chilean fan base (sparkly) cast enough votes to keep him afloat? And is Kristi tonight's obvious winner?
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